A prayer

God have mercy and protect our kids from harm and evil as much as possible.
Help us to have the wisdom to take the neccesary measures to guide and love our kids.
Thankyou so much for the kids we have, but help us to not neglect the kids who are not our own.
Be praised, God for creating such a masterpiece as the love that cannot be fathomed completely, nor explained easily.
The love for your kids is mighty..and I can only be left at wonder of how much God really loves His creation..His creatures.
He must really be an amazing love to have created love in the first place. And the scriptures say that God is love.
Indeed. He has to be. Because when I look at my son and I'm holding him in my arms, after a nightmare..or tears, I just want to stare at his face and embrace the moment as much as i can..because I'm not ready to let him grow up and be an adult yet. I want to protect him so much. It blows me away...and only being a parent do I understand why parents say the things they say.
If only young minds can be teachable, impressioned, to where they know the value of consequences..and the reality of this world and what matters. If only we adults could be the same. And yet there is hope. But only in God's good love. To help restore us to a true hope, one that does't dissapoint.. I'm convinced that it's only in God.. I don't see it...i don't feel the peace always.. i really really don't. but i HAVE to keep hoping. Nothing else has shown me mercy. Nothing. And I've seen the evil times get better. My dad is right, "nothing stays the same." and so i pray for more of God's grace, and mercy and love. I know He's loved us already, and blessed us already. and I'm so blind as to not see it most days.. atleast not see it in the fullest. But we're in a war. And I pray that God would help us to be sober..and to understand what that means, and how to have the proper balance of all things. God bless the readers of this post, and the non-readers. :) I'm so thankful for glimpses of redemption, resoration, healing, love. And for hope and faith. Faithful hope. and Hoping for Faith!


Click Me


DIsturbing pics, but interesting.

War on Fleas

One cat
Millions of fleas
Danae is sucking them up w/ the vaccum hose
Die *******'s


Zealotry 5: How to avoid it

I recently have been spending sometime over at Jesuscreed.org. Awesome crap man! Below is a portion of a series that Scot McKnight has titled, "Zealotry." This is the last of the series. I have not read the series yet but I will be. I just caught this last one because it sighted John Franke's, "The Character Of Theology," which is I think a required read for those who think hard on theology, church and living today. For those who have read Franke's book or are planning too check out his 6 part series chapter by chapter review of it. You can do a search on his page. Or you can click on "Books: Remarks and Reviews" under blog categories on Jesuscreed.org.

Also, the above title "Zealotry 5....." will take you to the series of the same name.

I have attempted at times to communicate some of the things McKnight mentions here so perhaps you will hear a good echo or a redundancy (depending on how you think). But, it really goes without saying that I cannot say better as Scot McKnight says it here. So check it out.


"If I had an easy solution to the problem of zealotry, I wouldn’t need to write about it because an easy solution would create a situation were zealotry would not appear. The issues are complex, they involve human nature, and they involve the hopes of people. So, here are my suggestions, and I’m open to hear your suggestions as well.
Before I say anything this should be observed: we have to avoid making fences ourselves that will keep us from falling into zealotry. There is no solution other than to love God, to love others, to trust in God, to trust in others — that sort of thing. Rarely in life are their simple solutions to anything — and those who propose so are always mistaken. Sure, if you love God aright you won’t be a zealous, but loving God is obviously not quite as simple as it is right.

Above all, we are dealing the the zeal that leads to going beyond the Bible, finding immunity in such zeal, and the judgmentalism that develops from it. So, what to do?

1. Trust God, trust the Spirit. Believe that God is at work in the Church, in the local church, in the leaders, in the community of faith, and in individuals. Trust God to guide at each of these levels, trust that the Spirit is at work in each person.

Trusting God means that we will permit groups, even whole denominations, and individuals to make mistakes. Giving people freedom to be led by God’s Spirit means giving people the freedom to fail, to experiment with options we might not choose but which, in some cases, will lead to renewal and revival; in other cases freedom might lead to messes and problems.

Notice that I believe in God before the Bible; some get nervous here, but I find it almost impossible to avoid idolatry if we don’t make this separation. (For a study of something that addresses this issue, see Tom Wright, The Last Word, where he argues that the Bible’s authority is the authority of God through the Bible; or read John Franke’s The Character of Theology.)

2. Trust the Bible in what it says and what it does not say. If zealotry by definition is going beyond, we have to learn not to go beyond the Bible. But, what we need most of all is an acute and constant awareness of where we are biblical and where we are not. We could probably all benefit from routine evaluation of church statements to see if they are biblical.

Classically, this is called the sufficiency of Scripture. Trust it. Which means live with it.

3. Trust the Great Traditions as expressive of the Story. I am a Protestant, and I adhere to sola scriptura in the sense of the primacy of Scripture. I do not for one minute believe any of us is sola in the sense of “only, and that is all” when it comes to our theology. Each one of us expresses a tradition, little or great, and those traditions influence us.

On debatable praxis decisions we need to begin with the primacy of Scripture and then learn the perspective of the Great Traditions (East and West, Protestant — there are no other Great Traditions). The evangelical tendency, and sometimes zealous commitment, to neglect and disparage the Great Traditions is unacceptable and upfront confesses that God has by and large abandoned his people in the Great Traditions (or at least two of them). This won’t do.

So, we need to learn what the Great Traditions have said, and to embrace that God has been at work in these Great Traditions — not infallibly, but still at work.

We need to embrace those traditions as our story, the story of God in the Church, and to see how we can, in light of God’s Spirit and leading and Scripture and those traditions, with reason, forge a new way in our world.

4. Break down every fence in every official local church statement, or at least get together and talk about the fences. What we need, of course, is a reformational revival, the next reformation, or whatever you want to call it. How? By critically subjecting what we believe and what we do, our faith and our praxis, to the authority of God’s Spirit through the Scripture as expressed aforetime in the Great Traditions.

Pray to God that God’s mercy will extend to us in this great task."



And you shall be free indeed. -Jesus

I once thought I was secure in my theological understanding and core beliefs of my christian faith.
But it all got challenged my souls. It all was challenged like a woman shaving her head in the midst of amish or the like.
And there is a part of me that loves it. Even though it's unselttled, shaky. I feel like I'm free to ask the questions I once feard to ask. I was afraid of being "liberal". Afraid of losing my faith. Although, i do still feel afraid of the sort of things..but yet prayerfully confident that God will not let me go. He already has shown me His grace to endure pain and suffering, and He's proven to me that He has indeed changed my heart to desire to do what is right and just. And lately, I'm hearing of this stuff about Jesus. People saying things too good to be true. About his grace. His love. His understanding. His rest. Rest from worrying. Even evangelistic worrying. Now, I know im a nutcase often and i know not what i speak of. But crap. I want to get it out that I kind of like life being mysterious.

Anyway, God is good. And I want to rest in the gospel. Nothing else. Just saturate me w/ love man. Love. Freedom. Not sin. Freedom.



“A Call to an Ancient Evangelical Future”

This really excites me. I have read Robbert Webber's book Ancient Future Faith sometime ago and found him refreshing and stimulating. I am excited with him and his colleauges initiatives. Check out the title link which will lead you to Chrisitanity Today for the article. At the end of the article you can read the document in discussion, "A Call to an Ancient Evangelical Future."

Thank you Andrew Sandlin for linking this in the first place.

I'll drink to this!!



it's always there
not obtaining but hoping
what to do?
may God meet me
and subdue the chaff


For those who havent' seen, here's a short clip i found..


The morning roundup

My surgery went good (thankyou for your prayers and love) and I loved the anesthesia which i was afraid of. It was so nice to be rushed asleep and wake up super dopie. i felt at peace and that's rare. :) And then they gave me vicadin for pain, i only needed 2. But my first pill was a charm. i thought, gosh, if i could feel like this every day, how i would love people so much more and stop worrying or stressing. But after my seond pill, i remembered what this drug does to me. From my delivery of the boys i had thngs happen which required pain pills for sure..and it basically makes me feel stupid. it has a burn-out effect. but that recovers overtime.


The John Mark Carr thing is so rediculous. I mean, the media being all about his every thought. Studying the man obsessively as if they can unlock the key to sinful behavior. Maybe I'm ignorant and blind, but it seems a huge waste of time and money. he's a sinful man! Just like us! Work your case but don't film the darn thing!


Just the facts, Mam...Just the facts.

The Mesa family went to a nice, clean playground and the most beautiful boys in my eyes had a blast.

Tomorrow is my d&c surgery at 7:30.

I'm nervous and yet not.

Family and friends have reassured me of their good experiences.

Sugar snap peas and slivered carrots really do make you feel a little more alive.

Turkey brats are worthy of attention when you want to avoid the pig.

I prefer the nasty pig.

While driving today, Migue and I saw a church named, Bible Doctrine Church and said, " Duuude.."

I have gifts in life that I take for granted.

Jesus still won't let me go.

And praise goes on..

Postmodernism: A Kairos Moment?

For a long time I have been studying the unavoidable role that philosophy (epistemology) serves our thinking as a christian community and the secluar culture at large (In using the term secular I do not mean to employ the idea that there is such a thing as that which is sacred and than that which is secular or not sacred. Rather, I mean to use it to refer to that which is outside of the ecclesial community). I assume that those who are interested in this subject have already done reading on modernism and postmodernism and are than informed. Because I have at times discussed some of these issues here on this blog and have thought that I am not clear but rather confusing to people I have sought to link helpful articles. And that is what I am doing now. So I give to you wonderful redundancy!!
The article above I believe is concisely and helpfully informatively written. I think it briefly states the relevant value of being informed on this. For me still I have questions and desire to discuss more the implications involved in a shift in culture thinking. I would much rather discuss these things over a brew with those interested but that is hardly ever possible. So for lack of a better medium I will use this blog. Check out the above title link and comment freely if you will. I might later add to this post with some questions/comments of my own.


The morning

Drinking good coffe that feels life-giving.

Trying to maintain any sense of motivation to cultivate a managable next phase in this life.

Praying to have the grace to love my children when i need my space.

Thankful for this life however sloppy it is.

Cheers to a better future God has promised, and hopefulness of one until He comes back.


Today's News for Danae's body

Went in for another Ultrasound today. I needed to put my concious as ease and rest assured that there are indeed no fetus' in my body.

Last Ultrasound showed an empty sac, no fetus.

Today's Ultrasound showed 2 sacs, no fetus. But one had a yolk sac in it as well.

I don't know how this all works.. but my goodness.

I feel good about it though. I feel better. It feels like a closure. I'm so thankful I could of had twins. It blows me away. But it felt so right.

Some of you know that i've had dreams that have come true. Well, before I found out i was going to have a miscarriage, i had a dream i had a miscarriage.

And i had another dream about going to the hospital to have the actual miscarriage, to find out there were 2 instead of one. but in this dream, one lived and his name was Jonah. the other didn't come to fruition. So in my dream, that made two Jonah's for our family. cute.

But it's so weird that I've had these dreams that have come true. Not every detail is 100% accurate, but the gist usually happens.

For those of you who didn't know this..my last pregnancy with my 3 boys.. i had 3 dreams that came true.
1. had to have cervical suture.
2. spotted
3. at the c-cection after they took the boys out, i was told i wasn't going to make it. i didnt know if the boys made it because i woke up.

1 and 2 happened.
3 was in the making, and my God saved my life.

So, why do i tell this? because i love it! i don't understand it. But i think it's really interesting that God has given me those dreams.. to make me ready? to prepare? i don't know. but i think it's mysteriously intruiging.

so thanks to God for 2 conceptions even though He gave, and took away.


the plan

since my body hasn't had the actual miscarriage, there is a possiblility of a life threatening hemorage.

so Monday, i am going in for a D&C. Pray all goes well. I hate not having control of my body, and they are going to put me to sleep.

I have friends who have gone through this and it has helped me to rest some.

So that's that. Thanks for your prayers of love.


I made cupcakes and they are not cupcakes. they are like sweet corn bread muffins. I didn't put corn bread in them. And halfway into making the frosting, I realized I didn't have corn syrup. So I added cream cheese, neufstylziesyada yada cheese (forget the name), and flour! gosh, will you eat them? i made them for my friends who are going to babysit our stallions while mig and i go to the doc to see what's happening with my body.

someone has to eat these things.


i am


what are you?

what's going through all your heads?



To Guiness and friends who listen, share and understand.

I had a good time tonight at Charleston's w/ my friend and it so helped. I was so depressed and nauseas before, but i almost didn't wanna come home, and i felt so good, i was tempted to order another guiness. i noticed the waiter dude had a hard time looking at me, seemingly to me atleast. perhaps im analyzing it to omuch. i looked at him once as he was approaching our table to give us back our cards, an so we had eye contact the whole time he was coming. i was just being polite and acknoledging him, waiting for the reason he was coming..being attentive. but i fear i had this look on my face like i was looking through hit soul, because he looked at me like he was kind of wierded out and then he spoke mainly to my friend. so i thought, well, either he likes my friend more or im a wierdo or something else. anyway, oh well. i just dont want to spooke people out.

i one had a boyfriend in my past that my bro josh met..and josh noticed that guy was a soul. he looked at you like he was looking through your soul. and now im afraid i do the same. but im only saying this because of tonight's waiter dude's look on his face. so there's my analyzation for the night. but i never thought o fmyself as a intense looker. but if i am.. i suppose i wikll have to work on it.. so i dont freak people out! those of you who know me, do i do this a lot? does anyone else think about these things?

The Claddagh Irish Pub

If you're ever in INDY and want to dine somewhere, please do yourself a favor and visit a glimpse of heaven at Claddagh's. The fish and chips are breathtaking. My goodness my friends. my goodness. I would go there every night if I could.

something about Johny Cash

I'm not very familiar with his music. But from what I've heard, it always grabs me and pulls me in. But I have to listen to it when I'm able, because it could bring me down for reasons I won't explain.

Does anyone else have these pulling emotions when listening to certain music?


Pray for the peace of the heart of Danae

1. I'm about to watch The Crucible with Mig, in our bed, before sleep. And I don't normally do this because I fear fear. I get stricken w/ anxiety but i'm risking this. May God bless? Am I nuts? Crap.

2. Our house was bombed today for fleas so we packed upa nd went to my moms, she was working. So the boys ransacked her house and we had to rearrange furtniture and babyproof. Mom, i hope we made it look more like how it used to be. Thanks for letting us stay there, eat your turkey meat, crackers, lemonade. Mig and I were exhausted..especially me (in my opinion) because my body is trying to tell itself that it's not pregnant anymore. i still have symptoms. fatigue, nausea, other stuff, and i really wish things will come to a safe and healthy natural closure soon.

so maybe i should listen to johnny cash.

or maybe the day will be fresh w/ the morning sun.

The calling of planets. No we don't do drugs.

I was sitting here at our nice wooden table on the Mac writing to a very good friend when I heard in a form of joy, "Jonah...." It was Danae who was about ten yards away from me in the family room with the boys hangin out watching "Little Eienstien" and than she added, "his head looks like Saturn!"




I write this to inform all of you who do not know already. I am going to keep it simple and brief because it is still very strange to sort and hard to work with in writing.

This past Wednesday was Danae's first Ultrasound appointment. The visuals did not give any indication of life. There was just an empty amniotic sack. That's all. We new what this may have meant and upon this and further discussion with our Doctor's Nurse Practioner, Jody we were already in motion to bear this however we could. Since Wednesday Danae has taken two blood tests, last one yesterday afternoon to evaluate the rise or fall of a specific hormone count which would give greater evidence to the lack of visual data. The lab results did tell us that her hormones are increasingly descending. Therefore, it is confirmed that Danae has had a misscarriage.

It is up and down with Danae right now as is expected. A woman can only tell what this means to her. I cannot of course. I on the otherhand don't know how to absorb this. I get my guiding cues through this from Danae's state's. However it could be said this is not easy. Some of you have already written us and have even called us and have given us flowers. This has been very encouraging. Some of you have empathized with Danae with your own experience of this kind of loss. For all of this we are grateful and thankful to God for your love in words and actions.

This was offically posted now because we needed the closure of yesterdays lab results. And as most of you would know the emotional and physical process of this is still in play and perhaps will always be in a certain way.

While this is a solemn and unusual up and down time, your thoughts are welcome. So feel free to comment still.

Much love and thanks to our friends and fellow sojourners.

Jesus the Messiah

He is my High Priest.

He is my hope. I pray to Him. Even when I doubt He will help me. I pray, because nothing else has shown me to have hope in it.

Man can only do so much, and then they sleep. and I am awake in my misery and lonliness and pain, grief.

So Christ suffered and He experienced more than I can and am. Why is it that I want to blog about this? What is it about this medium of a blog? I want to let someone know that they are not alone in their suffering. I want to comfort someone and let them know i understand. i feel it too. i mourn too. because i want someone to be there for me, when everyone else has fallen asleep. and only Christ can be there when all else have been exausted. only God is there always and forever. And only hope will lead us to this belief. The grace of God has given me this faith..and I live off of it. I pray for more grace dear God. Everyone is going throgh something. I care about everyone. Know that I care, but have faith that someone greater than mankind cares. Oh that God would open our minds and help us to desire what is greater than power, sex, and money.


Aidan's cute mouth

Thankyou Massiel and Jesus

God bless you guys. Your gentle, compassionate love. You two are a blessing of love.


Click Me

I found a way to let you all in on the fun.

Bazaar News

We have had 12 homicides in tha past 6 days here in Indy. What in the world? I heard that's worse than L.A. _this morning.

now, it's 13 in 7 days when i checked in the afternoon.


The Pool

I made this not a month or two ago and decided to youtube it. I was going to send it on dvd to the familia in Gr. and to the fam here. Perhaps I can do that too, but who knows when I'll get everything together.. so i will post it here. Enjoy.

Jonah Again


Do these things

Eat pizza and dip the crust in firey hot spicy cheese sauce.

Then chug Orange Juice.

Chug it my friends, and let it rip down the esophagas.

And go see Lady In The Water.

Lark News

Dude.....I am a new man today.

I once visited this site years ago and never gave it a thorough look. But today, I was blessed with medicinal laughter.

Laugh. Be blessed. C'mon jiggle that belly fat a bit. That is if you are not like the unfortunate one's who have no fat to jiggle.

Click on the title, and WHAT EVER YOU DO, DO NOT CHECK OUT THE HOROSCOPE, which is convienently located on the pages toolbar.


The Mexican's are here

to do our ROOF. They are all well dressed and nice looking for doing roof work. I thought they'd come in roofer style clothes.

Yay for insurance that covers our bad roof.

and i suppose it's just not meant to be that i have sunflowers. the roofers backed into our driveway and ran over our sunflowers which were on the side of our house next to our driveway. classic. so now every sunflower has had a blow. oh well. they weren't the best anyway, probably due to bad soil, but then again, they grew and are beautiful in their own way. so yes, they are the best. how dare i belittle them. and im not mad at the roofers, our driveway is narrow.


Comforting Thunder

It is raining now outside.

My house is dark

The boys are asleep

A taste of rest.

I wish I could stay at a castle in Ireland for a while.

Hear the gentle thunder rolling, listening to the gentle rain.

Smelling the fresh earth.

To sleep for a long time, and awake undisturbed to quietude.

To not being needed. To refreshment. To peace.

Free from responsibilities. Free to do nothing. Free to take a walk in a quiet field of beauty.

Free to fly, to hike mountains, to drink Coffee.

To drink tea, to drink beer..wine..margarita's..

Go to the highest mountain and breath.

It's lightening now, so I shall go.



and scared. depressed. confused. curious. desiring peace. desiring assurance. desiring true respite. desiring a rich understanding of the real Jesus. the real God. His Spirit. How He works. What He thinks of me. What to make of myself. How to judge, and how to STOP judging others. How to stop being critical of myself and others. How to stop being selfish. How to practice daily godly living. God like living. How to preach the gospel to myself and others. The gospel. Not religion..but the gospel. The good news. It seems so far to me, that conversion and heart-transformation takes place the most, when we see and/or experience the love of Christ through love-acts of people. Sacrifices. Selflessness. We all will not do this perfectly..but when we do it.. there must be an effect. If our good deeds to not affect others, which you'd think they would always somehow..)ripple effect. if our good deeds don't effect others, then they effect us. because we are so miserable when we sin. it's hedonistic. but it's true. i mean. im not saying do good deeds just for your own peace. but im thankful it works that way as well. I'm all over the place in my head.

I fear so much, and worry so much, and feel stuck in my worry, stuck in my fear. wanting to be set free. I have the knowledge. I have the facts in my brain. But has it really penetrated my heart? I think so, but not all the time as I wish. This saddens me. It seems that God has to do a mirical on me to get me to be free from depression, free from unbelief, free from doubt, free from anxiety, free from worry. because i've tried to tell myself all the logic. i've reminded myself of God's truth, and it helps some..I try to read my bible..but i can't stick with it for long. and i look for other people in my life to encourage me. and some do. and yet i want to serve others, encourage others, love others. and i feel often uncapable because im so starved for love, security, rest, peace. i believe only God can give this, but He works through people. So, I really look forward to having more grace saturated fellowship with people. Life has been so hard for so long folks. I'm so weary and I don't know what to do..but keep hoping and praying.

There I am at the moment. I don't know why I'm posting this publicly, but I figure it's good to hang yourself out there. You all can pray for me. I don't want to pursue negative "religion" if you will. i know i can be misread. that's ok. because everything else is messed up already right? we can work together. forget precision. ( and i realize i'm ignorant.)

so, does anyone else fear for their soul? is this just working out my salvation with fear and trembling? are you absolutely starved and dehydrated in every realm?

This leads me to tell of the couple of days i had energy and good emotions. So God does break my lull, but I wish He would do it more often. Because I'm hanging by a string.

Yesterday's Doctor Visit

Went well. We like our Doctor and Nurse. Doctor is funny. Both are linked through our friends here, so it's really good to be connected somehow. He told me He won't let me try for a VBAC. Women, you probably know what this is.. Men..you probably don't want to know...unless you are an objective realist. j/k. so i have to have a c-cection again which im dissapointed about..but im trying to remind myself that it might be wisest thing, and there are other people's lives who are going through intense suffering and i should focus more on being thankful. it still is hard though to let go of my desire for a VBAC.

Inawee, we go back next Wednesday for our first UltraSound. Woooh. This will tell us how far along I am and how many babies are in my womb.

So far, all is well..and the doc said this is a NEW DAY. This pregnancy that is. Very comforting.

That guy had Migue and I cracking up.

Okay take care all yall'ins.

oh, and does anyone know how i can get those dots next to my links to go away? thanks.