my contacts update

i went in today to see why they are blurry. i asked tons of questions and was very scruplulous? scrutiny? i dunno. maybe a bit paranoid? anyway, he said it is the right perscription and i see 20 20 with them in. he changed my right lens to toric and tried changing my left one to toric but it wouldn't stay fit on my eye right..so i have to wear the normal one on my left, and the toric on my right. i see better w/ my right than my left. but i still dont see as good as i do w/ my glasses even in my right! get it? and he said that's normal to not see as well when you have an astigmatism! LAURA, what do you think? I'm wearing Cooper lenses. So, I'm gonna give them some time and go from there. Oh yeah, the boys and i went outback this morning. nice. fresh air. early. no cars and stuff. there for a few minutes, then bubby kills a bird and runs up to us and eats it right where we were. so we had to go in. now i have to clean up bird stuff. on the good side, i'm thankful bubby still has game. i doubted his ability because of his poor hips!




I made peanut butter cookies tonight and i can't really taste the peanut butter. what is ever so wrong with them? and my oven smells like opium. Maybe there are some hippie's campin out in my oven. The boys are asleep! Crap! I just heard one of them make a noise. Oh, the woes of three toddlers sharing a room. speaking of hippies, mig and i went to broad ripple the other day, it's like a popular strip for the artsy type folk here in indy. and this dude with mutten chops, (he looked very familiar by the way) checked mig and i out, looked us up and down, and then proceeded to walk towards us and hand us each his flyer. It was for free incense at the bus down under shop or whatever it's called. so we went there and the other dude working at the counter smiled and was so friendly and warm. i said, hi, im here for free incense? he's like, ooh really? he didn't even know about it. he said he had seen their flyer but didnt read it. and he said, well, i guess just take 10 sticks is what im guessin'. so i took 10 sticks! it was nice because i was wanting some incense and this was free so it worked out well. that place brings back memories of my teen years. i used to hang out there with my friends, there was a rainbow painted bridge we'd sit on and hang out, until the cops made us leave. we'd go back though. it's interesting wheni think of my past. so amazing. it's so weird. almost like it was a dream. i like that place though. it's better to experience it now that my heart is made new. i can appreciate things in light of truth and the person of truth. I can enjoy it w/out fear. I wish I could lay in a green grass with tall trees and i could absorb the creation and just feel intense peace run through my soul, and melt and be One with God. That would be better if spiders or insects would stay away. Migue took a nap today, and he woke up for a small bit of time, then fell asleep on the couch! What's wrong with Migue? We don't know why he's so tired all the time. Anyone want these cookies? Migue will probably pound them. Oh, don't pound them all Migue. Leave some for the birds or Josh. Or whoever might want some. But I like my hair completely the way it is!!! -Lola


Historic Irvington Garden Tour

My mom and I went to it today and it was really nice! Oh man, it lifted my spirits. It was so nice walking under the umbrella in the rain w/ my mom. We visited 10 properties and then they gave us a free plant! Also, we inrolled in some Raffle thing and we have to wiat on the results. I told my mom I didn't want to do it because whenever I do raffle stuff, I win, and I have to get in fron tof people to claim my prize, and i hate that. So she told me that we just give it to someone at one of the properties and they will call us if we win. So I said, "ooooh, okay". So we'll see if I win. I probably won't since I told everyone that I always win. Oh well. And the wierd thing, is that I always knew i was going to win. I think there were a small number of itmes i didnt win. Just interesting. Intuition, phsycic, don't know. I also had dreams that came true! So maybe I'll start up a phsycic business. Kidding. I'm not very wise. So anyway, im blown away at how i came home with a new refeshed spirit glow, enabled to love and serve my children bettter. I could have served Migue spaghetti w/ meatsauce, but he was asleep. So after dinner I went on a walk with my bro Josh and his wife Charity and their kids, Julia and Emma. Julia is 2, Emma is like under 4 months. So cute. and of course, my little beansacks. Mig passed out as soon as i got home. Thanks to Migue for watching the boys while I got out. I felt like I was in London kind of. Which was really nice! Did I say we got a free plant? It makes me wish we could afford to make our house look nice, nice gardens and such. If you read my mom's blog, she shares her thoughts on today..and one of them I will share too! When we trid to find house one to look at, we saw the sign w/ the number 1, it was pointing down the street to the actual house, but we thought it was the house that the sign was in. So we pulled up, and im thinking, "this is it?" it was decent up front, but looked a little plain to be some exhibition, u know. So, we went around all the cars into the back. and it was pretty messy back there and way back they had a veggie garden. and my mom and i are like, is this it? im like, i dunno, maybe it is? moms like, im not interested.. so im lik eokay . and im like geek style laughing..thinking how awesome we were for being there. i love that stuff. i love it when that happens. it's so hilarious. i was third eye viewing it and wondering if the owners saw it and loved it. anyway, that's great.

so that's my story! Thankyou Mom for taking me out! I appreciate it so much. And I think I found the fabric I want to make my curtains. Weee. I'd like to make some dresses too. It's hard to find modest stuff now a days, and the modest dresses they have out there are so expensive. plus, it's kinda fun and crafty to make your own stuff. My mom helped me make my first dress. It was fun, stil have it. wore it not too long ago. It has asian women on it..like their heads and necks. anyway! this blog was made for you and meeee.


This place has really great exotic silk fabric




i got them yesterday, are they supposed to be blurry? i'd like to hear everyone's take. thanks!

this dress is nice, btw.


Isn't this so nice?


and can someone tell me what the tag is to create links? thanks!


Charlie and Lola

Has anyone else seen this show? I love it! The music is so awesome and just everything!!! Go check it out!


New Video

Tonight's Fellowship

I had some fellowship tonight here at our place after a long very stressful depressing day. I haven't prayed with anyone other than my husband for a long time. That makes a difference, especially when Mig and I don't pray together regularly. There is just something about when two or more are gathered together because of Christ's Spirit put on our hearts. We talked about lots of things in regards to our spiritual questions. What does it look like to pursue God? Can it look different for each of us? What place does Scripture have? Is it more significant and should be treated w/ more priority over other things? How do we measure whether we are truely seeking and searching God with "ALL" our heart, soul, mind, strength? What if we wrestle with unbelief? Uncertainty? And if we truely want God, but have unbelief, is it okay to be lax about getting everything down right? doing all the right stuff. I realize I might not be explaining things the best, so pardon my casual-ness here. It seems a lot of my once fundamental beliefs have been challenged and perhaps deconstructed, so I'm trying to retain the core of our faith here. And I suppose that is what most of us want. But it is different for every camp. So many things are available to contemplate and attempt to figure out. When so many things arrise and so little time or energy or interest to search diligently, I honestly want to give up in some sense. It wearies my soul even further and I just want true rest. The rest that only God gives, the kind Jesus spoke of. So, I fear myself. I fear my tendencies to want to rebell. Although, I'm not even sure my rebellious-ness is even rebellious. I think I need sleep. I really love the blogs. I really miss fellowship with Migue. He wasn't able to partake tonight. Hopefully, something will happen soon. I appreciate and am thankful for this blog because it is a medium for fellowship when my circumstances make it difficult. I think it's nice to not think of blogging as sin, although it can be an idol. I sure hope I'm not an addict. but what if I am? And would it be the blog that I'm addicted to? or the church? Am I a church addict? That would be good, and permissable? Because we are Christ's body. What do you think, o reader you?




Just some stuff

Jonah says No now. He said it today when he was smacking my arm and I was saying no, so he'd smack it in a lighter fashion and he said, " no." It's cute so far.

I'm going to try to work on some video's, especially for you Mesa's out there! Mesa's and Rodriguez. But this should be exciting since we now have our computer back and can do stuff w/ imovie.

I'm rearranging my furniture again. Yes, I know I'm classic. But I dont know how to do it this time, perhaps Migue will intervene and tell me what to do! Wanna see my new wall color? Here's a pic!


This post is perfect

I don't offend anyone. What I say if relevent. What I say makes sense. I am only going to post something that is "worthwhile". I am a wise crack. I am bored. I have so many thoughts, I wish to write it out..but now one of the boys woke up and disturbed my train of thought..so bye! enjoy my masterpiece. okay. i think he's going back to sleep. oh, please Lord, let them stay asleep for all the night long.

u know, our boys wake up every night still. sometimes i get bitter and angry and curse! i hate that i do that! i wish i had the perfect mother goose love that considers it joy at all times, never complains..always nourishes.

i watched a local church congregation tonight. mig was at a party, so i watched some british show, then this church service. it was really interesting. it was a different sub-culture than what im used to, but i was able to discern the spirit working in them. i think im the past, i would have been skeptical that they were really being spirit-filled because of all the teachings on false prophets, tongues, etc. and i don't know what the answers are, but these folks were praising God and being encouraged that He is working in them. I think so atleast. I might be wrong, and then i'd be confused. so I'm going to try to believe this. Oh, the weirdness of uncertainty.

I am an indecisive person, easily carried with the wind. That's good and bad. Who are you? Isn't it awesome when we learn about ourselves, eachother, and God?

I'm thankful for medicine, for God's love and grace. My heart has so much to say but I don't know how to get it out. But..I just want to say, that I love everone and peace to you all. I'm a hippie, aren't I?


Good & Difficult

Just got back from my father-in-law Damon's place. We had a cook-out. Damon is a grillman. Rather, Damon is The GrillMan. Brats, Burgers (and not just burgers but a whole half'a hefer kinda burgers!), chicken thighs and breasts, hearty salad with eggs, nuts and other mean earthy stuff. Beans. A 5 bean slop that was good. Hearty mountainman type of potato salad. The usual white enriched buns......soft-drinks (why are they called soft-drinks? It rip's down the throat like corrosive carbon balls!). And to top it all off Damon's famous fruit salad bowl. A giant tupperware container filled with colorful, juicy, tart, sweet, seedy, acidic enzymy objects that grow from the ground.
All I could eat was half'a chicken breast and a quarter of a cow on a bun. O' yes I also had some of the mountainman potato mess and sloppy 5 bean grog. Now my digestive system is working overtime. All this was done after spending half the day trimmen and rippen out brush, shrubs and all manner of thorns and thistles from mine and my neighbors plot of earth. That is some of my favorite work. It is always rewarding to be outdoors under a blistering ball of fire covered in shards of ripped grass and weeds while smelling the scent of dying Canadian Thistles and a host of sibling weed pestilence's. No for real, the reward comes after you see your ground clearing symmetric molding shape take over and make an order out of wild kingdom chaos. And it's also an adventure using those battery operated weed & grass killer guns to soak all that you find distasteful to the opus you desire of your yard.

Back at Damons.....

Jonah was picking at Nike the Rottweiler's and Butch the something's dog food. Just the dry stuff. I ate some of the dry stuff before while camping back in the day. I think an old buddy encouraged me too by my beholding his manly takeover of canine nutrition, (is that you Kevin Miller?)
Anyway. My Pa Damon's backyard is nice. Spacious and fenced in. Lots of room for several big guys to toss the old ball of hide around. Later Asher stuck his inquistive fist into a bowl of dog-grog-slop. That's the dry dog food mixed with moist stuff and with some other nasty moist stuff. It was like a chunky pottage of dark muddy-milk crunch. Can you see it? Oh wait add the pastel hues of red, yellow and green and than you'll see it.
Well after he stuck his experimental appendages into it I had to take him in and wash his hands with Dawn or somekind of liquid detergent because the hose water couldn't get the groggy oily residue off of him.
So I get back outside to join my wife in endless red-alert mode while trying to be social with my brother's, sister's and their children. Danae is doing her thing trying to eat and talk while I try to digest this hunk of bird and cow in my intestines. Joshua and cousin Jeremy are tossin the pig-ball around with Big Nathan the Boulder. I got up and joined them.....all the while on endless red-alert mode. Eyeing the boys as they Magellan-Vespuci-Columbus the backyard. All is good so far while red-alert mode.

Than in a moment of lazy eye....while most of the Big-Man activity of tossin the ball and catchen it with one arm for several revolutions waiting for whoever drops it so they may get tackled and WWF'd with a Leg-drop, the unthinkable happens.....

Asher......Asher the pistol......Asher the Basher-Mesa made his last bold and daring albeit naive attempt to discover what the substance in that dog bowl was.....
............Asher picked up that nasty bowl of pastel yellow-red-green moist chunky pottage of dark-muddy milky crunch and held it right over his chest and dumped it all over himself in glorious toddlerhood.
.....I caught the last milliseconds before the filthy deluge landed upon him and shouted in mountainman horror, "Asher, NOOOOO!"......Aunt Charity hosed him while mom held him.

We came home about an hour later.

The time was good.....

But it is always difficult.

Blessed be the Lord.


Duct Tape

It is holding together my glasses that Jonah broke. ;) Thank God for insurance which covers contacts.

I won't be missing getting my glasses ripped off my face and constantly having to fogg them w/ my breath and wipe them with whatever cloth i have. it happens too many times to go rinse w/ water and wipe w/ a glasses cloth. so this will be an awesome thing to experience. i have to say, i put my glasses underneath me because jonah i think ripped them off. someone did, cant remember.. so i just sat on them and then i forgot i did, and got up to go braid my hair in the bathroom. and i was hearing jonah outside the bathroom throwing a fit because he wanted me to come out. so i finished, came out.. and saw what had happened. but this is a very embraceable thing because i had just made an appointment this morning with the eye doctor for contacts. Could I say this is interesting?

anyway, i wonder if my fedex driver is in cali yet.

good day to everyone.


In Honor of Margarito De La Caridad Mesa

Happy 70th Birthday Margo, even though you don't have a computer to see this!

Margo needs to get a blog dude.

Margo is my father in law and Migue and Massiel's father.

He is a natural carpenter and loves horticulture. He made his own wooden sword. He likes animal planet. And he is mysterious to me and I appreciate him. I wish I could speak spanish and flow with him, get to know his soul more. I wonder what brews inside his head. He's had a hard life. Came from Cuba.


Where I'm at spiritually

My seasons in life have changed from when I first set out on my christian journey. I went through a period of cynisicm and still feel a bit confused. So, I've heard the term Epistemology before and didn't care to know the meaning, until I the told my husband i don't know what to think about so many things. I'm confused, and cannot take people's words for things. I asked my husband how do we know what we think we know? who can i believe? he told me that is epistemology. The study of how we konw what we know. I don't claim to fully be able to communicate myself. But I don't know where to start. I don't even know what to think of the bible yet. And fundementalist's won't help me. I fear I'm in some sort of unbelief. I want faith. I want the real Jesus. I want God the true God..not any God I carve or form w/ my belly. But the real one. The Creator. I see Him when I look up at the sky. Sometimes I see him more in spiritualists who may not claim Christ is the only way. Sometimes I fear that I'm not seeing the real God. I sense a desire to rebell from mankind and his way of teaching. I don't want to rebel from God. I don't want to rebel from truth. I have a people pleaser disposition and i hate it. it confused me and makes me wonder if im living to please God or people. I know you both can coinside with eachother..but it's wierd. perhaps im a wierd nutcase, or perhaps other people have thought of this stuff. i believe in sin, and i've seen sin in me. but if in truely rebellious now, i want to rebel from that though because i think it stems from man's blindness. am i making sense? what if this post is something i should keep to myself? but i kind of dont care. i dont want to confuse anyone or enter them into some madness, so if i have, forgive me. and so i ask now, is this a worthy post? or am i in error for writing this. if you answer this question, your word has merit to my soul. and why is that? bazaaaaaar. i want fellowship w/ people who want to analyze everything. so hungry for God..and yet why does my default thinking entertain that i might not be pursuing God unless im reading scripture? anyway, i dont expect people to reply. i guess i just want to let my head be known and if anyone else feels mad, i want to comfort them and let them know they are not alone.


Anyone know how long a fedex ground driver will drive straight? If they are driving from indy to elk grove, CA do they take a break and a pit stop or what? Will they swietch drivers when one needs sleep? I think it takes 36 hrs to drive to Cali.

Can anyone recommend a certain brand of contact lenses?


Migue is so look a like ish


I think so...

woolah woo

turns out our macdaddy didnt shut propely so it's being exchanged for a new one. which is nice because of the display damage. interesting how that worked out in an honest manner.

i hear the neigbor across from me blaspheming almost constantly because of computer issues. i know they have windows because i hear the windows sounds. i feel like sticking my head out the window and telling them to get a Macdaddy. But I fear he would say, " who the hell are you?"

like u see in new york city, yelling from the upper building window, " hey shut up down there." "i'm justa sayin, i can't finda my razor."

anyway, migue is reading books that i open the pages and i can't get up the interest to even look at the contents. i already judge them as dull and boring. it's interesting that he actually is interested in this stuff.

aidan is getting better, but still has his cough. he's on antibiotic, so the rash is pretty much gone. poor baby though, i hear him caughing now. he's so sweet. they are all so awesome, when migue and i lay on the couch they come and gang pile..they love it. especially aidan, it's his love language. i go and look athiim and plop on the couch, and he see's me, smiles, and does his duck plop. you know how ducks dive into the water head first.. well, since he's short and so is our couch, he just dives onto it head first, then sweeps his legs up from the side.

they all do that. well, here is my blogworthy post all yallins. have a good evening.

A thorn

I feel better about the water mark on my mac display. It is actually lighter today than yesterday. What was on my mind the whole time this drama happened, was how we are to not be attatched to our possessions. Store up treasures in heaven, where theives can't break in and steal, and where toddlers can't flick coffee on your mac. I come at this in sort of two ways. For one, it makes sense to be frustrated, mac's aren't cheap. The other, my spirit says, even though you feel your life is out of wack, there is hope in God..look to Him. Which leads me to other thoughts. Oftentimes, my life seems it is not how it should be. I look forward to life getting more liberated. Us being able to experience more fellowship and freedom as the boys grow. At the same time, I want to cherish every moment. I think, " I gotta absorb this..this time when my boys are so precious and small. I don't want them to get older..but I do. I look forward to our future, but I want to feel now and embrace it in it's messy-ness, and in it's beauty. Beauty is found in chaos as well as order. In the eye of the beholder. Definitely, I believe God has an eye for beauty. I wonder what He's doing now. Like, is The Father a spirit and you can't see Him? And is Jesus in a white robe w/ white hair and what is He doing? Is He walking around? Is He always sitting on a throne? Wherever He goes, do the cheribum always follow and orbit?

Isn't is amazing that there actually is a God? We don't see Him..but He is real. We bear testimony with our spirits..knowing that He has changed our hearts. And we groan with all of creation.

Prayers for the priesthood of believers. And a special one for our men.



Today's events:

Danae leave to change her clothes for like 2 minutes, comes back...Asher splatters coffee on new mac. screen damage.

Danae has emotional breakdown and cries and is depressed.

Danae puts salad on the floor because she doesn't want to have it near the mac.

Danae is on phone troubleshooting and kicks the salad, flies everywhere and now the floor smells like vinager and olive oil.

Danae gets no housework done today.

Danae wants to climb a mountain and bellow at the top of her lungs, weep. wail.

I'm sucha moron dude. i'm so pissed!@#$!@%!

So we're going to have the genuious' at mac look at it tonight to tell us the extent of damage and cost for fix.

oh, how this life seems cursed to me.

i really want to vent this out so a;lskgjalsd;gj alg jlg jskla jglksjglajasjlaj;ajdl.


This is what happens when you buy a Mac!

Update on the Bandits

Taking all 3 jigsaw puzzles to the doctor today.

Aidan has his hives again, along with an unknown rash.

Asher has unknown rash and hives.

Jonah has hives.

and the story goes ever on..

pray for the Mesa Tribe. Please. Thankyou.


taxation and delicatessen escapes

Our home is taxed. Danae and I are beat. I bet Danae is much more beat than I am. Our boys have been sick for over a week. On and off they have been miserable, irritable and in need of non-stop attention. That means while I was working driving truck for 8 to 9 hours and than servicing lawns with my brother-in-law Danae was at constant red-alert. Chores in the house couldn't be done. There is just no possible way. The blackest of hairs on someones head would turn silver in the blink of an eye with what she endures. Yet she has no grey hair. Resilient? Perhaps.
It seems as though today things are a getting better. The hives have dissappeared, although there is some kind of chicken-skin looking type thing that is still hangin around Asher and company. But Aidan does not seem miserably irritable as he has been since yesterday.

Danae is now taking a nap. Hopefully a long one. She was up often last nite. I slept like a tree that had fallen in the forest.

Last nite I went and bought some goodies. Danae and I enjoyed some Brazilian coffee from Starbucks with a variety of dainties; Pepperidge Farm's creme filled Pirouette's (chocolate hazelnut), and also Pepperidge Farm's Rialto (chocolate raspberry) and than some Dove's Toffee Chocolate Tango.........mmm, it was good. We finished watching or rather I finished watching Terrence Malick's The Thin Red Line. This was my second time seeing the film. The first time was during it's release back in 1998. I failed to fully appreciate this film for what it really was and is. I was expecting a "War film". But this is not a war film if you ask me. I originally saw it with my buddy and good ole' friend and brother in Grand Rapids, Mike Williams. (You've got to see his work. It is good. Not to mention that I am in three of his works. Thank you Mike! One has to do with being washed in blood another I am sitting in a hallway while somekind of unknown spectors watch me and another I am blind folded and mouth-stopped. His work has unique themes. Check it out.) But back to The Thin Red Line. My friend Mike was captured by the film immediately if I remember correctly. The films poetic style and visual narrative where to dense for me to see. But recently I purchased the film because it's poetic impact surfaced in my memory. It is not a war film. I said that already. But it's not. Kinda like M. Night Shyamalans Signs, which is not an "Alien film" but of Synchronicity (however not on a Jungian Metaphysical stance) and how events serve as "signs" about something much more "intelligently designed?"
The Thin Red Line is about the pressing nature of lifes turmoils that inevitably befall us all. The Thin Red Line separates the sane from the mad. It is in the telling narrative, a juxtaposition of the beauty of creation and it's continuing on-going existence as a back-drop and the presence of violence and a mileau of other evil's co-existing rampantly in the foreground. The film depicts how we deal with this in a poetic fashion. Combining multiple perspectives of the cast's inner musings as a soul-narration one get's brought in to the questions and longings of man in trying to make sense of all of this we call life. What I appreciate of the film as well is it's ensemble cast that is given no priority of being the star above another. All of these actors portray men whose identities are left behind at home in the United States and now are all dressed the same and work and die the same. It really is sadly dramatic. When I veiw this my heart cries because these men all are sons, husbands, fathers, friends; loved ones who are known and have a story with others back in their home but that no longer matters in war at Guadalacanal, WWII.

Danae and I started last nite after The Thin Red Line, also by Terrence Malick "The New World". I believe Danae finished it. I fell asleep. Not because the film wasn't any good but because I was tired. There is a difference. Look forward to finishing it. Again Malick does extraordinary filmmaking with his cinematographic eye and poetic posturing in story-telling. His films have proven to be beyond "hollywood blockbusters". His work is for the contemplative. So if this is you check it out.

Soon we will be watching one of my favorite films of all time, The Mission. This will be Danae's first. Again a cinematograhpic piece feast.

Two other of my favorites include ahhhh, Fiddler On The Roof and Baraka.

Fiddler is almost a telling story of the transition in thinking that is occuring today between what we call modern to postmodern thought and practice. Specifically in the Church. I will not go into detail with this now. But if your curious just ask. I am afraid it would be to lengthy. And I am almost sick of talking about it. But it's cool.

Baraka? Well, there are no words for this. It is an audio-visual narrative in the tradition of Godfrey Reggio and Ron Fricke's Qatsi trilogy. It will mesmerize and haunt you. Watch it with good sound and complete soberiety.

What are some of your picks and why?

God is Love

The World is vast
sometimes my vision is dim
blind to love
real love
real love can be hard to find
in seasons of our journey
we are reminded of our meaning
made aware of what is true
the way that God desires
My soul drifts so easily
to seek a place of respite
confused about my heart
now i know it is God I want.
i still am prone to wander
but God will lead me home
i will always want more
need more
i hunger to be taught
so that i can have security
in God
in truth
in Jesus
the mysterious Jesus that people are talking about.
i wish life's meaning was always quickly seen
but i suppose that would take out poetry.
poetry of life
life is so complex..
God's love is so moving
i cannot express what i feel
im trying but all i can think about
is that love conquers all.
love can never be quenched.
the fires of hell cannot destroy love.
it will prevail
it did prevail
in a sacrifice for all
done by Jesus Messiah
Lord have mercy
forgive unbelief
grant peace
Your gentle love and affection to our souls.
praise be to the God of Love and Mercy.


Darkness and Light

My heart darkens with sobbing pain, deep sorrow and anxiety because the terrible crimes that happen to children. Whenever I see or hear of stories of children being abused or murdered I feel this incredible indignation within me that if I could I would swing a mighty sword and strike the ones who would cause infliction to the little ones. Of course this would be a vain attempt of justice on my own part, but the feeling is very real. Nothing moves me towards violence more than this. I feel the righteous indignation of Christ and it only makes me deeply sigh and pray.

The slayings in Indianapolis that just happened two nites ago are being felt throughout the east-side and everywhere else. This occured right in our community. Right in our backyard. Senseles, irrational crimes motivated by lusts for possessions, power and comfort motivates the hearts to murder.

Although I mourn when I hear about the loss of adult life like in these slayings it does not reach the inner most bowels of my soul like the lament for children lost. I asked myself this, "Why do I feel this way with children more than adults?"

Yeah, Danae and I have three beautiful little wonder-lifes that radiate the naivete, humility and sensibilities of those who have yet not seen the darkeness of life. This surely propels me to feel as I do towards the neglect of children. But even more so is because of their utterly awesome dependence that children have upon adults. Children our given to us by God as gifts. We are bestowed with one of the most profound charges of responsibilites as adults when it comes to children. All adults. Not just the parents but the entire community. Everyone of us is accountable to nurture and protect all of God's creation; and children are at the top of the list. As adults we have had opportunity to make decisions and exercise our volition as people. Endowed with instruction and knowledge we as adults have had our time to do as we should. Children on the otherhand are just setting out, just beginning what it means still to live and be. Children are thinking about "summertime" and playing in the neighborhood with their friends, going to the public parks and pools and dreaming of growing older to do things that they see the adults are doing.

But we kill them. We not only kill them with our guns, but with the onslaught of television violence and sensuality. We kill them with our hateful actions. We kill them with our words so they too when they grow can be better cultivated as killers themselves.

We need to kill for the sake of our children. Not the killing with guns or profanity and the immorality of our flesh but the spiritual slaying of tearing down strongholds and the captivation of thoughts and idealogies toward obedience to Christ our Brother, Captain and King.

We must protect, defend and labor with brutal courage our children and make them to be valiant warriors, servants, priests; lovers.

God help us. To kill and mortify our flesh for the sake of what it means to be a man and a women; a human.

Fill us with the power of becoming those things which our children would see, hear and feel to emulate. May our children know that Christ is King.

Christ our Brother,
Christ our Captain,
Christ our Lord,
Christ our Maker, humble and adorn us with strength, righteous indignation, holy humiliation, tenderized compassion for all and violent courage to stand between evil and our children as Christ did stand between us, sin and it's ultimate consequence.

The Thin Red Line

Just finished it. Took a couple weeks. I loved it. It was poetic. It makes me sad..and makes me think. I like it though, because sadness is a reality. There is a time to mourn, and better is it to be in the house of mourning than the house of pleasure. Not too sure if that scripture vs, which i don't know what it is.. not too sure if that's what it means..but that's what i always thought it meant. anyway..not to tell you all to mourn. just that it seems that's when it's easiest for me to meet w/ God. In desperation. In spiritual hunger. Like a panting deer. I long for rest. One day.. that is amazing. One day, life will not be as we now know it. Oh how beautiful God must be, if He really is perfectly holy. Glory to Him, who sits on the throne..and yet I so want to know Him more. I feel sad at the lack of pursuit. I better stop now before i go to an endless geneology. I hope you all are doing ok. Hang in there. I care.


This is me Now

it has been such a hard week. the boys have been sick and i feel so bad. now aidan has hives. i think it's from the virus they seemingly have. i've lost my temper with them and i hate it. all the crying and fighting and having to run after asher climbing on the computer table, monitoring jonah talking to bubby in a curious way, holding precious aidan who is irritable and sad because of his sickness. my heart breaks and i just want to cry because of my love for them and how i have been angry and raised my voice. i dont want to ever hurt them or make them feel unloved. i wish i could love them perfectly and give them everything they need. like place them in a perfect puff cloud. i wish i could prevent them for adobting my bad habits and sins. i dont ever want to lose them. i dont want them to grow up in a way. im only going to have them small once. and when they are my age, they will be independent men (hopefully). It blows me away. I think they are going to be so handsome and young women will probably have their hearts fluttered. oh, i pray that my boys will not be caught up with the perversity of the world and sin. i want them to desire God more than I do. I want them to not be exposed to sexual perversion. i want them to have good marriages and families. but you never know what life has in store. i sure never expected to be married and have triplets. i never really did know what life had in store for me. i always answered the " what will you do in 10 years" question, with a blank stare and "um. i dont know" looking at the school counselor like, "are you serious, am i abnormal because im clueless?" anyway..this is late night, the boys are in bed..and it's my time to relax and have the freedom to think and write. i really feel so confused about who i am as a follower of Jesus. I dont feel comfortable calling Jesus my Lord. I think it's because I'm uncertain if I have the proper understanding of what it looks like practically, as a follower of Christ. Here is my life story.. always wondering what the answers are, doubting i will ever know..hoping..likeing the fact that it's mysterious..wanting to dialogue with people..feeling guilty because i'd rather dialogue with people than read scripture and pray alone with God. i do want to pray alone with Him, but I kinda want to post thsi all in my blog to see what happens. To see if anyone else is an uncertain person? I live with a lot of fear. I'm afraid I'm in wrong standing with God because of what I'm either doing or not doing. And then I tell myself this gospel, that God has given grace, forgived my sins. But I still can't seem to really be sure that I do know the gospel in it's right way. I lack clarity often and I know this has to do with my life now. The stress I have is intense and I feel like I cannot escape my pit of madness. If I go out to get a break, it's hard to really relax because i know i gotta soon be back home. and i hate missing out on my boys life. i already am a firm believer that i have some form of anxiety issues, although you probably coudn't tell because im fighting it. i told my doctor this past week and he wants me to go to a counselor to diagnose me and get counseling as well. im all about counseling..but i fear the counsel of Job's friends. It's happened often to me that people don't seem to really take the time to listen to me talk, they interrrupt me and then give me a scripture quote. i realize we all fail, trust me, im fully aware of my failings..so this isn't to dog anyone. but im just kinda skeptical of going to just any counselor. and God is the Mighty Counselor. That's amazing. So do I really have to read scripture and pray in order to recieve His counsel? I'd rather take another route. But to clarify on prayer..I actually do pray..just not always the deep meditated prayers, or are they? How do I know what I think I know? What if what I know isn't what I think it is? What if I'm in better standing and freedom than I'm aware? What if I can get by with saying " Crap. I'm pissed, and kick a football to the moon?" What if I can be set free from worry and anxiety? What if I can truely live in a state of bliss, the kind that drugs give, but this isn't a drug, it's a pure holy high. Where I'm one with God and I can love others in a perfect way and help them through evry trouble. Where I can just fele the love of God and have it pour out of my existence on everyone..not to my glory, but to His. Where I can just stop caring about everything that doesn't matter, and only care about what does..and to really REALLY know what that realy looks like. Sigh. My heart mourns and weeps because feeling out of control. i feel burdened for things that i cannot help. i think it leaves me only with prayer. prayer. that's such a wierd thing. so many books on it. so many people doing it. why do i dread it? why do i not long to go alone like Jesus did? what's this life for? i just wish i had someone to talk to, and yet that scares me. im so wierd. i hope everyone is doing ok. hang in there and i will to, by the grace of God. His mysterious unseen grace, the kind that is only witnessed by life itself..every breath.

Some things and a Clip

I went to the doctor for my arm thing. She didn't know what it was, but said it was infected. of course it is. it's really ugly. anyway, put me on antibiotics. wooh!

I also want to mention Synthra-6 to say it is a good protein source. tastes really good compared to all the other ones i've tried.

now here's a little clip from yesterday..