This site is now for archive's only. Click this link to visit Danae.

I will no longer be blogging. At least for a season.

Some seasons really don't end if you know what I mean.


Letting go of idols.
Embracing the empty void.

The vast spaciousness which now causes me horror.
An empty room of mind and heart that is not comfortable.
A space so vast which does not need to be feared but embraced.

This spaciousness, this emptiness is a sensation of freedom.
Freedom from my fetters.
Free to be awake with God.
Free to less be attached, less addicted to the idols.
Free to have empty space and room.


I am in desperation. In everyway it feels. Grace is my only sanity. Only.


Remember Moss Man!?!?

Danae made some tea that Jessica had brought over. She said it smelled like Patchouli. I than said, "It smells like Moss Man. Your Drinking Moss Man."

Here's MOSS MAN!


You provide the caption

I went to bed at 11 PM last nite leaving Danae with her easel, paints and canvas on the table ready to be used for her dormant creative energy. This morning I awoke with this stellar painting greeting me beside the door as I left my home to work.
I am so glad she is my wife.

You provide the caption for this one.

Daniel is a catalyst to this inspiration.


Danae and I have separated. Blogs that is. For perm or temp, time will tell. Ooooh the suspense.


Haiku at the Lockerbie

Migue, Jessica and I took turns doing some Haiku's at the pub on Saturday, this is what turned out.

Jessica, I just found out via Daniel and Wiki that Haiku's are 5 7 5, not 7 5 7. oops.

Thank You! Oh, Lockerbie Inn
In your over-alls
We contemplate life's hardships

Mysteries of lifes goodies
of everything good
are challenging to my soul

The epistemic questions
My soul has wrestled
has found a quell and solace

I love and desire love
but it's hard to see
because my mind is broken

A camera pictures faces
Cornering your thoughts
I may just have a NIGHTMARE!

Chicken bone in the beard man
Shame to my brotha
But a bare face is aweful

I am depressed but I love
to write haiku now
because I wonder at soul.

Gimme some veg/pot to eat
Soup/sal consume me
Right now; dessert my cheesecake

Listen to the music man
The doobie brothers
Soul country jammin Lockerbie

Ketchup and ACDC wrong
On the red carpet
But they both can be redeemed


Towards Human Be-ing

Is there such a thing as a perfect relationship? I believe so. But not a perfection that popular opinion holds. Not a perfection that connotes finality now.

Is there such a thing as a relationship that is void of challenges? The challenge of miscommunication, misunderstanding, neglect of communication altogether?

Humans are incomplete. Broken. Shattered. History and our lives today clearly illustrate that point. Words aren't needed to know this.

Humans make up relationships. Therefore relationships will bear the mark of incompleteness, brokenness and the shattered nature which we are.

But the living God has come into our world. The transcendent becomes immanent. He became human. It became apparent to us that his constitution as a human was complete, whole and without any distortion. He taught us and is still showing us what it means to be human and relational. He has shown us what communion looks like. What it is.

We are promised by Him that we as human beings and the rest of creation which is also in this disjointed, broken and marred state will one day be restored and all will be whole, complete and harmoniously in sync with His divine communion; His very nature and being.

In the interim we wait.

With longing we wait. Our waiting and longing is like a mother who in childbearing travails with birth-pains, groans and cries, but knows that what is to come is a beautiful gift.

In the interim, the meantime we labor. We live and continue to move and be as one's with a certain promise that what will come is perfect. In this meantime we live and be, striving towards this perfection, this wholeness.

It is never easy. The times are hard. But for them who hold the promise there is a beauty mingled with our brokenness. Within our broken relationships the Spirit of an extra-ordinary, covenantal, binding love works in us to bring about the fruits of perfections eternal Day. A poet once said that there is, "poetry that comes from the squaring off between. And the circling is worth it, finding beauty in the dissonance." I think so too.

There is no other way to live and to move through this passage of life now.

Any other way will only compound the fragmentation and brokenness that marks humanness.

Without the way that Life himself has given us for the perfection of relationships and all things we will only create more imperfect turmoil living according to false notions of perfection. We will struggle, but the struggle will be in vain. Vain, because the hope that these other ideals of perfection hold are not real, but instead are conjurings which take no account of the utter frailty and the eternal condition of humanities dependance towards it's creator.

The testimony of him who became incarnate; perfect life himself, is the guarantor of the promise. Perfection is our inheritance and it is love himself who labored to bring it about.


Earl Grey Tea

According to Wikkipedia, "Earl Grey is also the favourite tea of comic book hero Bruce Wayne (Batman)."

For Jessica

Disclaimer here

In the Spring of 2003, Vintage21 had a four week series on Jesus Christ, taking a deep look at what He said and did. It was difficult at times to get past our preconceived notions that had been developed by staunch, starched Sunday School classes of old. This is a satirical look at what some people think Jesus is like. Thank goodness He's not. -Vintage 21



Campaign for real beauty!

It's about time.


Prayer request

My relative of mine just got diagnosed w/ brain cancer. She was told she will have 3 months to live at the most. Please pray for her comfort and peace and strength. Thankfully, she has faith in Christ. She's a good woman. I believe she's in her 70's. Thank you.



a lot of folks

that i know, tell me they read my blog and they enjoy it, but those folks never comment! what is it with you people? I say, comment because i will enjoy YOUR comments. I love dialogue. But if you insist on being mysterious, then fine. I know very well the mystery of mysteriousness, and the inrtrigue..


Now I can rest..

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Green Lantern
Wonder Woman
The Flash
Iron Man
You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...


Your Life is Like

Being John Malkovich


I heard her voice in the marketplace.

...oversimplyfying and reductionistic tendencies,
preoccupations with precision,
isolate's one and marginalizes another.

Restrictive categories of thinking and limited vocabularies
diminish our understanding and experiences.

We are left hungry and thirsty for more that would speak to us,

Everything begins with faith.

Faith seeking understanding.

We believe in order to know..and in order to know we must believe.

We must trust...is there any other way?

Mastery is not our portion.

Arrogance is in the church.
I see him and her living their thinking so.
These triumphalistic attitudes deprive us of the greatest of noble virtues of being; Humility.

When we are not humble in how we know, live and do, we cease to know, live and do.


urgent prayer request (UPDATE) #3

my cousin Jeremy and his girlfriend Miranda just gave birth to their baby boy, Tristan last night and the baby is not doing good. it is in a special hospital so please pray that the baby makes it and whatever happens, that the parents and everyone will be comforted and supported by God, family, friends. Thank you!!!


Just found out that at 12:30pm, Tristan became a doner for other needy babies; a baby in Washington gets his liver, and another gets his heart. I heard Jeremy woke up this morning and said Tristan is a hero. He truly is, and even tho we don't understand why he couldn't have a chance in this life, he is with Jesus now, and we will see him one day and all our questions and sadness will be over and finally there will be no more tears, pain and suffering. Please continue to pray for Jeremy and Miranda.

a poem for you

we did not ask for this life
we are here
we have good times
we have bad times
we seek answers
to our big question
and then my son's wakes up from his nap because of the damn dog next store.
so i can't finish t his,

what's the point!!!!!


Mrs. Sandlin's post *click*

wills, funeral plans, etc.

Look How Handsome!!

Migue in the Middle.

The Muttens are quite an appeal.


Perfect Love

I wish I could be a big ball of love.
Lovin everyone in the perfect way.
Always being a big ball of love.
Giving freely
Oh. but that's not possible right?
So what does one do when fear visits?
Fear of being real. Saying what's really on the heart?
I am hesitant to blog about myself lately,
because I don't know what's right
and I don't like being vulnerable to people who don't respond.
but at the same time, I like to do it in hopes that people would loosen up and talk about their stuff.
Then I wonder if it's all rubbish. If it's foolish to talk to much.
So I don't know. I'm mad because I might be wrong.
I'm sick of being wrong.
I'm sick of not being able to be wrong.
I'm sick of lots of things..
I want true freedom.
I wish I could really worship God as He would so have me..
and I'm scared at what might have to happen in order for me to do that.
So. I'm a big ball of fear, longing for real love..longing for rest...to stop worrying.
Longing to be set free from sin.
Longing to understand how to live my life.. feel the feelings and thing the thoughts I should..
So what I've just done, has been vulnerable.
I suppose If it's bad, I will learn..
But I would have to challenge my pride, eh?
So what if my pride begs relentlessly that I crawl in a cave?
Then I need the support of folks who will tell me that they are very imperfect too.
Maybe that's why I'm big on hearing other people's stories.
I want to hear their sins.
I like confession.
It helps to heal and understand.
I like it when people are not afraid of being real, talking about their stuff.
I know it can be hard. but there is a real freedom there.
Comments anyone?


Last night took forever for me to fall asleep. Had too much espresso.

Was going to post because i had the thoughts brewing and it was ripe for blogging.

But my battery died and the charger was across the room, would have woke up Mig and can't have that.

He needs his sleep.

Wanted to read this book I've started, Everyday Sacred.


So I woke up early not by choice, and decided to have my 1st experience w/ coffee and reading before the boys woke up. It was nice...but then Jonah woke up not too long after.

So my day started and i waited for the boys' nap time so I could sleep.

But I got carried away and rearranged my furniture.

And it's not even done because I can't figure out how I want it.

So now I'm in my bed blogging and hoping I will put down the computer so I can take a nap.

I look forward to talking to people and really getting into mind intruiging conversation. Deep analytical sharing and pondering. I feel like that's one of the main hopes that keeps me feeling okay.

And I love Jessica Bullers!


one time

my friend Jessica once told all of in the car, while she was driving, to sing. she demanded we "sing or get out!" and so i got really mad and got out of the car and walked to a friends house. i forget the friend. but this cracks me up i love it. i would have never rememberd that, and if someone demanded i sung now, i would probably out of a beat up submissive. what happened to me? i think i like the old me better sometimes!!

and yet this confuses me. it's interesting to htink about..so i thought i'd share.

and i know we can't assue i would sing now if someone demanded me. wella ctually i would not sing..because i dont like it much.

anyway, there's the best story ever!


Thanks Laura.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and first street name)
Katie Donovan

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side, your favorite candy)
Masil Taffy

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Silvery-Blue Elephant

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Brianne Indianapolis

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 2 letters of mom's maiden name.)



Never in my life have I felt so "out of whack!", and yet so close to God.
A certain and absolute paradox is the development of a being under the nurture of a God who loves so violently.

(to me violence in this context means the most profound and aesthetically rich expression of love.)

and Danae say's, " WHO"S DAVID #2"?




Alright I have something

I just realized my hero's are my little super hero sons. They are so beautiful. So precious. Words really do not explain my love and amazement at them. I watched the first third of The Emporers Club tonight and the boy in it reminded me of Asher. So I watched the movie thinking of that boy as my son, like.. " aww..he's so cute..he's like my chino." I call Asher "chino".

Soo..it's been a while since I've updated to my readers. I've been on myspace now, getting reunited w/ some old friends. It's been really really interesting. I'm excited about getting to know everyone now. It's been 6 years since our departure.<---sounds really adventurous, eh?

Well, so the myspace asked who my hero's were, and thought of my little super hero's. because i really call them super hero's at times. they love me, forgive me, haven't intentionally hurt me, and they were in my womb. i survived life w/ them..and im so thankful for them. i feel they are my best friends in a way..i see them the more than anyone on this earth. :) I'm on call for them 24/7.

For anyone who saw the passion of the christ, the part where jesus falls w/ his cross, and his mother see's him, and remembers back in her head to a place where she ran to jesus when he was young and hurt himself, and she ran to him quickly and tended to his need. she loved him passionately. and so when she see's the torture he goes through, and he falls w/ his cross, he is bloody..and he is doing it as someone who has not deserved the punishment.. and she runs up to him..and he says to her, " mother, see, i make all things new." and she cries..in amazement. she believes him. she knows he's right. she knows there is something there. does she know he's the messiah? i don't doubt it. and she love him just as much as his mother. he was her son. what mixed emotions. she let him go, she didn't try to end it. u know? man. anyway, before i even had kids, when i saw that movie.. i cried and was afriad i would weep loudly in utter pain, but it's intense. i know the love of a mother. and it is powerful. and it only makes me wonder at God's love for us. the "mother" in God. u know?

God has to be pretty amazing to have created love. And He is love. I want more of Him, He's the only thing that I CAN have, that is not forbidden. I'm willing. I'm ready to be captivated and raptured by the love of God. Take me away on a horse, like Braveheart. I know God won't really do this, but metaphorically speaking, I want to be free to worship God as my GOD.

what's going through your heads? i think everyone who has read this whole post should comment, you are obligated because if you endured this post, you have much to offer. you are a special being. :)


look at the stah's

look how they shine faah youuuu..


Happy 30th Josh!!!


A prayer

God have mercy and protect our kids from harm and evil as much as possible.
Help us to have the wisdom to take the neccesary measures to guide and love our kids.
Thankyou so much for the kids we have, but help us to not neglect the kids who are not our own.
Be praised, God for creating such a masterpiece as the love that cannot be fathomed completely, nor explained easily.
The love for your kids is mighty..and I can only be left at wonder of how much God really loves His creation..His creatures.
He must really be an amazing love to have created love in the first place. And the scriptures say that God is love.
Indeed. He has to be. Because when I look at my son and I'm holding him in my arms, after a nightmare..or tears, I just want to stare at his face and embrace the moment as much as i can..because I'm not ready to let him grow up and be an adult yet. I want to protect him so much. It blows me away...and only being a parent do I understand why parents say the things they say.
If only young minds can be teachable, impressioned, to where they know the value of consequences..and the reality of this world and what matters. If only we adults could be the same. And yet there is hope. But only in God's good love. To help restore us to a true hope, one that does't dissapoint.. I'm convinced that it's only in God.. I don't see it...i don't feel the peace always.. i really really don't. but i HAVE to keep hoping. Nothing else has shown me mercy. Nothing. And I've seen the evil times get better. My dad is right, "nothing stays the same." and so i pray for more of God's grace, and mercy and love. I know He's loved us already, and blessed us already. and I'm so blind as to not see it most days.. atleast not see it in the fullest. But we're in a war. And I pray that God would help us to be sober..and to understand what that means, and how to have the proper balance of all things. God bless the readers of this post, and the non-readers. :) I'm so thankful for glimpses of redemption, resoration, healing, love. And for hope and faith. Faithful hope. and Hoping for Faith!


Click Me


DIsturbing pics, but interesting.

War on Fleas

One cat
Millions of fleas
Danae is sucking them up w/ the vaccum hose
Die *******'s


Zealotry 5: How to avoid it

I recently have been spending sometime over at Jesuscreed.org. Awesome crap man! Below is a portion of a series that Scot McKnight has titled, "Zealotry." This is the last of the series. I have not read the series yet but I will be. I just caught this last one because it sighted John Franke's, "The Character Of Theology," which is I think a required read for those who think hard on theology, church and living today. For those who have read Franke's book or are planning too check out his 6 part series chapter by chapter review of it. You can do a search on his page. Or you can click on "Books: Remarks and Reviews" under blog categories on Jesuscreed.org.

Also, the above title "Zealotry 5....." will take you to the series of the same name.

I have attempted at times to communicate some of the things McKnight mentions here so perhaps you will hear a good echo or a redundancy (depending on how you think). But, it really goes without saying that I cannot say better as Scot McKnight says it here. So check it out.


"If I had an easy solution to the problem of zealotry, I wouldn’t need to write about it because an easy solution would create a situation were zealotry would not appear. The issues are complex, they involve human nature, and they involve the hopes of people. So, here are my suggestions, and I’m open to hear your suggestions as well.
Before I say anything this should be observed: we have to avoid making fences ourselves that will keep us from falling into zealotry. There is no solution other than to love God, to love others, to trust in God, to trust in others — that sort of thing. Rarely in life are their simple solutions to anything — and those who propose so are always mistaken. Sure, if you love God aright you won’t be a zealous, but loving God is obviously not quite as simple as it is right.

Above all, we are dealing the the zeal that leads to going beyond the Bible, finding immunity in such zeal, and the judgmentalism that develops from it. So, what to do?

1. Trust God, trust the Spirit. Believe that God is at work in the Church, in the local church, in the leaders, in the community of faith, and in individuals. Trust God to guide at each of these levels, trust that the Spirit is at work in each person.

Trusting God means that we will permit groups, even whole denominations, and individuals to make mistakes. Giving people freedom to be led by God’s Spirit means giving people the freedom to fail, to experiment with options we might not choose but which, in some cases, will lead to renewal and revival; in other cases freedom might lead to messes and problems.

Notice that I believe in God before the Bible; some get nervous here, but I find it almost impossible to avoid idolatry if we don’t make this separation. (For a study of something that addresses this issue, see Tom Wright, The Last Word, where he argues that the Bible’s authority is the authority of God through the Bible; or read John Franke’s The Character of Theology.)

2. Trust the Bible in what it says and what it does not say. If zealotry by definition is going beyond, we have to learn not to go beyond the Bible. But, what we need most of all is an acute and constant awareness of where we are biblical and where we are not. We could probably all benefit from routine evaluation of church statements to see if they are biblical.

Classically, this is called the sufficiency of Scripture. Trust it. Which means live with it.

3. Trust the Great Traditions as expressive of the Story. I am a Protestant, and I adhere to sola scriptura in the sense of the primacy of Scripture. I do not for one minute believe any of us is sola in the sense of “only, and that is all” when it comes to our theology. Each one of us expresses a tradition, little or great, and those traditions influence us.

On debatable praxis decisions we need to begin with the primacy of Scripture and then learn the perspective of the Great Traditions (East and West, Protestant — there are no other Great Traditions). The evangelical tendency, and sometimes zealous commitment, to neglect and disparage the Great Traditions is unacceptable and upfront confesses that God has by and large abandoned his people in the Great Traditions (or at least two of them). This won’t do.

So, we need to learn what the Great Traditions have said, and to embrace that God has been at work in these Great Traditions — not infallibly, but still at work.

We need to embrace those traditions as our story, the story of God in the Church, and to see how we can, in light of God’s Spirit and leading and Scripture and those traditions, with reason, forge a new way in our world.

4. Break down every fence in every official local church statement, or at least get together and talk about the fences. What we need, of course, is a reformational revival, the next reformation, or whatever you want to call it. How? By critically subjecting what we believe and what we do, our faith and our praxis, to the authority of God’s Spirit through the Scripture as expressed aforetime in the Great Traditions.

Pray to God that God’s mercy will extend to us in this great task."



And you shall be free indeed. -Jesus

I once thought I was secure in my theological understanding and core beliefs of my christian faith.
But it all got challenged my souls. It all was challenged like a woman shaving her head in the midst of amish or the like.
And there is a part of me that loves it. Even though it's unselttled, shaky. I feel like I'm free to ask the questions I once feard to ask. I was afraid of being "liberal". Afraid of losing my faith. Although, i do still feel afraid of the sort of things..but yet prayerfully confident that God will not let me go. He already has shown me His grace to endure pain and suffering, and He's proven to me that He has indeed changed my heart to desire to do what is right and just. And lately, I'm hearing of this stuff about Jesus. People saying things too good to be true. About his grace. His love. His understanding. His rest. Rest from worrying. Even evangelistic worrying. Now, I know im a nutcase often and i know not what i speak of. But crap. I want to get it out that I kind of like life being mysterious.

Anyway, God is good. And I want to rest in the gospel. Nothing else. Just saturate me w/ love man. Love. Freedom. Not sin. Freedom.



“A Call to an Ancient Evangelical Future”

This really excites me. I have read Robbert Webber's book Ancient Future Faith sometime ago and found him refreshing and stimulating. I am excited with him and his colleauges initiatives. Check out the title link which will lead you to Chrisitanity Today for the article. At the end of the article you can read the document in discussion, "A Call to an Ancient Evangelical Future."

Thank you Andrew Sandlin for linking this in the first place.

I'll drink to this!!



it's always there
not obtaining but hoping
what to do?
may God meet me
and subdue the chaff


For those who havent' seen, here's a short clip i found..


The morning roundup

My surgery went good (thankyou for your prayers and love) and I loved the anesthesia which i was afraid of. It was so nice to be rushed asleep and wake up super dopie. i felt at peace and that's rare. :) And then they gave me vicadin for pain, i only needed 2. But my first pill was a charm. i thought, gosh, if i could feel like this every day, how i would love people so much more and stop worrying or stressing. But after my seond pill, i remembered what this drug does to me. From my delivery of the boys i had thngs happen which required pain pills for sure..and it basically makes me feel stupid. it has a burn-out effect. but that recovers overtime.


The John Mark Carr thing is so rediculous. I mean, the media being all about his every thought. Studying the man obsessively as if they can unlock the key to sinful behavior. Maybe I'm ignorant and blind, but it seems a huge waste of time and money. he's a sinful man! Just like us! Work your case but don't film the darn thing!


Just the facts, Mam...Just the facts.

The Mesa family went to a nice, clean playground and the most beautiful boys in my eyes had a blast.

Tomorrow is my d&c surgery at 7:30.

I'm nervous and yet not.

Family and friends have reassured me of their good experiences.

Sugar snap peas and slivered carrots really do make you feel a little more alive.

Turkey brats are worthy of attention when you want to avoid the pig.

I prefer the nasty pig.

While driving today, Migue and I saw a church named, Bible Doctrine Church and said, " Duuude.."

I have gifts in life that I take for granted.

Jesus still won't let me go.

And praise goes on..

Postmodernism: A Kairos Moment?

For a long time I have been studying the unavoidable role that philosophy (epistemology) serves our thinking as a christian community and the secluar culture at large (In using the term secular I do not mean to employ the idea that there is such a thing as that which is sacred and than that which is secular or not sacred. Rather, I mean to use it to refer to that which is outside of the ecclesial community). I assume that those who are interested in this subject have already done reading on modernism and postmodernism and are than informed. Because I have at times discussed some of these issues here on this blog and have thought that I am not clear but rather confusing to people I have sought to link helpful articles. And that is what I am doing now. So I give to you wonderful redundancy!!
The article above I believe is concisely and helpfully informatively written. I think it briefly states the relevant value of being informed on this. For me still I have questions and desire to discuss more the implications involved in a shift in culture thinking. I would much rather discuss these things over a brew with those interested but that is hardly ever possible. So for lack of a better medium I will use this blog. Check out the above title link and comment freely if you will. I might later add to this post with some questions/comments of my own.


The morning

Drinking good coffe that feels life-giving.

Trying to maintain any sense of motivation to cultivate a managable next phase in this life.

Praying to have the grace to love my children when i need my space.

Thankful for this life however sloppy it is.

Cheers to a better future God has promised, and hopefulness of one until He comes back.


Today's News for Danae's body

Went in for another Ultrasound today. I needed to put my concious as ease and rest assured that there are indeed no fetus' in my body.

Last Ultrasound showed an empty sac, no fetus.

Today's Ultrasound showed 2 sacs, no fetus. But one had a yolk sac in it as well.

I don't know how this all works.. but my goodness.

I feel good about it though. I feel better. It feels like a closure. I'm so thankful I could of had twins. It blows me away. But it felt so right.

Some of you know that i've had dreams that have come true. Well, before I found out i was going to have a miscarriage, i had a dream i had a miscarriage.

And i had another dream about going to the hospital to have the actual miscarriage, to find out there were 2 instead of one. but in this dream, one lived and his name was Jonah. the other didn't come to fruition. So in my dream, that made two Jonah's for our family. cute.

But it's so weird that I've had these dreams that have come true. Not every detail is 100% accurate, but the gist usually happens.

For those of you who didn't know this..my last pregnancy with my 3 boys.. i had 3 dreams that came true.
1. had to have cervical suture.
2. spotted
3. at the c-cection after they took the boys out, i was told i wasn't going to make it. i didnt know if the boys made it because i woke up.

1 and 2 happened.
3 was in the making, and my God saved my life.

So, why do i tell this? because i love it! i don't understand it. But i think it's really interesting that God has given me those dreams.. to make me ready? to prepare? i don't know. but i think it's mysteriously intruiging.

so thanks to God for 2 conceptions even though He gave, and took away.


the plan

since my body hasn't had the actual miscarriage, there is a possiblility of a life threatening hemorage.

so Monday, i am going in for a D&C. Pray all goes well. I hate not having control of my body, and they are going to put me to sleep.

I have friends who have gone through this and it has helped me to rest some.

So that's that. Thanks for your prayers of love.


I made cupcakes and they are not cupcakes. they are like sweet corn bread muffins. I didn't put corn bread in them. And halfway into making the frosting, I realized I didn't have corn syrup. So I added cream cheese, neufstylziesyada yada cheese (forget the name), and flour! gosh, will you eat them? i made them for my friends who are going to babysit our stallions while mig and i go to the doc to see what's happening with my body.

someone has to eat these things.


i am


what are you?

what's going through all your heads?



To Guiness and friends who listen, share and understand.

I had a good time tonight at Charleston's w/ my friend and it so helped. I was so depressed and nauseas before, but i almost didn't wanna come home, and i felt so good, i was tempted to order another guiness. i noticed the waiter dude had a hard time looking at me, seemingly to me atleast. perhaps im analyzing it to omuch. i looked at him once as he was approaching our table to give us back our cards, an so we had eye contact the whole time he was coming. i was just being polite and acknoledging him, waiting for the reason he was coming..being attentive. but i fear i had this look on my face like i was looking through hit soul, because he looked at me like he was kind of wierded out and then he spoke mainly to my friend. so i thought, well, either he likes my friend more or im a wierdo or something else. anyway, oh well. i just dont want to spooke people out.

i one had a boyfriend in my past that my bro josh met..and josh noticed that guy was a soul. he looked at you like he was looking through your soul. and now im afraid i do the same. but im only saying this because of tonight's waiter dude's look on his face. so there's my analyzation for the night. but i never thought o fmyself as a intense looker. but if i am.. i suppose i wikll have to work on it.. so i dont freak people out! those of you who know me, do i do this a lot? does anyone else think about these things?

The Claddagh Irish Pub

If you're ever in INDY and want to dine somewhere, please do yourself a favor and visit a glimpse of heaven at Claddagh's. The fish and chips are breathtaking. My goodness my friends. my goodness. I would go there every night if I could.

something about Johny Cash

I'm not very familiar with his music. But from what I've heard, it always grabs me and pulls me in. But I have to listen to it when I'm able, because it could bring me down for reasons I won't explain.

Does anyone else have these pulling emotions when listening to certain music?


Pray for the peace of the heart of Danae

1. I'm about to watch The Crucible with Mig, in our bed, before sleep. And I don't normally do this because I fear fear. I get stricken w/ anxiety but i'm risking this. May God bless? Am I nuts? Crap.

2. Our house was bombed today for fleas so we packed upa nd went to my moms, she was working. So the boys ransacked her house and we had to rearrange furtniture and babyproof. Mom, i hope we made it look more like how it used to be. Thanks for letting us stay there, eat your turkey meat, crackers, lemonade. Mig and I were exhausted..especially me (in my opinion) because my body is trying to tell itself that it's not pregnant anymore. i still have symptoms. fatigue, nausea, other stuff, and i really wish things will come to a safe and healthy natural closure soon.

so maybe i should listen to johnny cash.

or maybe the day will be fresh w/ the morning sun.

The calling of planets. No we don't do drugs.

I was sitting here at our nice wooden table on the Mac writing to a very good friend when I heard in a form of joy, "Jonah...." It was Danae who was about ten yards away from me in the family room with the boys hangin out watching "Little Eienstien" and than she added, "his head looks like Saturn!"




I write this to inform all of you who do not know already. I am going to keep it simple and brief because it is still very strange to sort and hard to work with in writing.

This past Wednesday was Danae's first Ultrasound appointment. The visuals did not give any indication of life. There was just an empty amniotic sack. That's all. We new what this may have meant and upon this and further discussion with our Doctor's Nurse Practioner, Jody we were already in motion to bear this however we could. Since Wednesday Danae has taken two blood tests, last one yesterday afternoon to evaluate the rise or fall of a specific hormone count which would give greater evidence to the lack of visual data. The lab results did tell us that her hormones are increasingly descending. Therefore, it is confirmed that Danae has had a misscarriage.

It is up and down with Danae right now as is expected. A woman can only tell what this means to her. I cannot of course. I on the otherhand don't know how to absorb this. I get my guiding cues through this from Danae's state's. However it could be said this is not easy. Some of you have already written us and have even called us and have given us flowers. This has been very encouraging. Some of you have empathized with Danae with your own experience of this kind of loss. For all of this we are grateful and thankful to God for your love in words and actions.

This was offically posted now because we needed the closure of yesterdays lab results. And as most of you would know the emotional and physical process of this is still in play and perhaps will always be in a certain way.

While this is a solemn and unusual up and down time, your thoughts are welcome. So feel free to comment still.

Much love and thanks to our friends and fellow sojourners.

Jesus the Messiah

He is my High Priest.

He is my hope. I pray to Him. Even when I doubt He will help me. I pray, because nothing else has shown me to have hope in it.

Man can only do so much, and then they sleep. and I am awake in my misery and lonliness and pain, grief.

So Christ suffered and He experienced more than I can and am. Why is it that I want to blog about this? What is it about this medium of a blog? I want to let someone know that they are not alone in their suffering. I want to comfort someone and let them know i understand. i feel it too. i mourn too. because i want someone to be there for me, when everyone else has fallen asleep. and only Christ can be there when all else have been exausted. only God is there always and forever. And only hope will lead us to this belief. The grace of God has given me this faith..and I live off of it. I pray for more grace dear God. Everyone is going throgh something. I care about everyone. Know that I care, but have faith that someone greater than mankind cares. Oh that God would open our minds and help us to desire what is greater than power, sex, and money.


Aidan's cute mouth

Thankyou Massiel and Jesus

God bless you guys. Your gentle, compassionate love. You two are a blessing of love.


Click Me

I found a way to let you all in on the fun.

Bazaar News

We have had 12 homicides in tha past 6 days here in Indy. What in the world? I heard that's worse than L.A. _this morning.

now, it's 13 in 7 days when i checked in the afternoon.


The Pool

I made this not a month or two ago and decided to youtube it. I was going to send it on dvd to the familia in Gr. and to the fam here. Perhaps I can do that too, but who knows when I'll get everything together.. so i will post it here. Enjoy.

Jonah Again


Do these things

Eat pizza and dip the crust in firey hot spicy cheese sauce.

Then chug Orange Juice.

Chug it my friends, and let it rip down the esophagas.

And go see Lady In The Water.

Lark News

Dude.....I am a new man today.

I once visited this site years ago and never gave it a thorough look. But today, I was blessed with medicinal laughter.

Laugh. Be blessed. C'mon jiggle that belly fat a bit. That is if you are not like the unfortunate one's who have no fat to jiggle.

Click on the title, and WHAT EVER YOU DO, DO NOT CHECK OUT THE HOROSCOPE, which is convienently located on the pages toolbar.


The Mexican's are here

to do our ROOF. They are all well dressed and nice looking for doing roof work. I thought they'd come in roofer style clothes.

Yay for insurance that covers our bad roof.

and i suppose it's just not meant to be that i have sunflowers. the roofers backed into our driveway and ran over our sunflowers which were on the side of our house next to our driveway. classic. so now every sunflower has had a blow. oh well. they weren't the best anyway, probably due to bad soil, but then again, they grew and are beautiful in their own way. so yes, they are the best. how dare i belittle them. and im not mad at the roofers, our driveway is narrow.


Comforting Thunder

It is raining now outside.

My house is dark

The boys are asleep

A taste of rest.

I wish I could stay at a castle in Ireland for a while.

Hear the gentle thunder rolling, listening to the gentle rain.

Smelling the fresh earth.

To sleep for a long time, and awake undisturbed to quietude.

To not being needed. To refreshment. To peace.

Free from responsibilities. Free to do nothing. Free to take a walk in a quiet field of beauty.

Free to fly, to hike mountains, to drink Coffee.

To drink tea, to drink beer..wine..margarita's..

Go to the highest mountain and breath.

It's lightening now, so I shall go.



and scared. depressed. confused. curious. desiring peace. desiring assurance. desiring true respite. desiring a rich understanding of the real Jesus. the real God. His Spirit. How He works. What He thinks of me. What to make of myself. How to judge, and how to STOP judging others. How to stop being critical of myself and others. How to stop being selfish. How to practice daily godly living. God like living. How to preach the gospel to myself and others. The gospel. Not religion..but the gospel. The good news. It seems so far to me, that conversion and heart-transformation takes place the most, when we see and/or experience the love of Christ through love-acts of people. Sacrifices. Selflessness. We all will not do this perfectly..but when we do it.. there must be an effect. If our good deeds to not affect others, which you'd think they would always somehow..)ripple effect. if our good deeds don't effect others, then they effect us. because we are so miserable when we sin. it's hedonistic. but it's true. i mean. im not saying do good deeds just for your own peace. but im thankful it works that way as well. I'm all over the place in my head.

I fear so much, and worry so much, and feel stuck in my worry, stuck in my fear. wanting to be set free. I have the knowledge. I have the facts in my brain. But has it really penetrated my heart? I think so, but not all the time as I wish. This saddens me. It seems that God has to do a mirical on me to get me to be free from depression, free from unbelief, free from doubt, free from anxiety, free from worry. because i've tried to tell myself all the logic. i've reminded myself of God's truth, and it helps some..I try to read my bible..but i can't stick with it for long. and i look for other people in my life to encourage me. and some do. and yet i want to serve others, encourage others, love others. and i feel often uncapable because im so starved for love, security, rest, peace. i believe only God can give this, but He works through people. So, I really look forward to having more grace saturated fellowship with people. Life has been so hard for so long folks. I'm so weary and I don't know what to do..but keep hoping and praying.

There I am at the moment. I don't know why I'm posting this publicly, but I figure it's good to hang yourself out there. You all can pray for me. I don't want to pursue negative "religion" if you will. i know i can be misread. that's ok. because everything else is messed up already right? we can work together. forget precision. ( and i realize i'm ignorant.)

so, does anyone else fear for their soul? is this just working out my salvation with fear and trembling? are you absolutely starved and dehydrated in every realm?

This leads me to tell of the couple of days i had energy and good emotions. So God does break my lull, but I wish He would do it more often. Because I'm hanging by a string.

Yesterday's Doctor Visit

Went well. We like our Doctor and Nurse. Doctor is funny. Both are linked through our friends here, so it's really good to be connected somehow. He told me He won't let me try for a VBAC. Women, you probably know what this is.. Men..you probably don't want to know...unless you are an objective realist. j/k. so i have to have a c-cection again which im dissapointed about..but im trying to remind myself that it might be wisest thing, and there are other people's lives who are going through intense suffering and i should focus more on being thankful. it still is hard though to let go of my desire for a VBAC.

Inawee, we go back next Wednesday for our first UltraSound. Woooh. This will tell us how far along I am and how many babies are in my womb.

So far, all is well..and the doc said this is a NEW DAY. This pregnancy that is. Very comforting.

That guy had Migue and I cracking up.

Okay take care all yall'ins.

oh, and does anyone know how i can get those dots next to my links to go away? thanks.


Fah-ma's Mah-kit

My friend aurora nicole recently wrote a post on her blog about seasonal foods and the farmers market. I just wanted to post and let everyone know that we just recently ate pizza and i feel like crud.

But now..

I'm craving..


And I wish I had the money to be a food puritan.

I wish I had the mental and emotional stamina to create an oasis of a home

Cooking all the healthy find meals..

Baking nice warm pumkin breads ..zucchini breads...and the like.

Occasional homemade icecream.

live on a farm that has





and a good dog or two.

bub living forever with a fixed hip and leg..

peeing in his litter box, not on the basement floor.

energy and life to succeed through all lifes challenged..

to kick evil in the you know what..

So, I don't konw if I will ever arrive to this bliss here on earth...

but we have a God who gives grace,

and an inheritance that exceeds our dreams..

one day I WILL be able to worship God with the saints..

I WILL be able to sing and mean it!

I'll be able to do it naturally and it will be a delight.

Good day to all.


Hyper-Realized Epistemology

Recently I posted a link to Andrew Sandlin's post titled, "Ecclesial Implications of a Consistently Christian Epistemology."...hehe, I know "Big Words"....it's fun though. Really all the article is about is how it may/does look like in the church (ecclesia) to be consistent in our thinking according to what the Hebrew/Christian Scriptures (the Bible) warrants in terms of certainty. In other words, our preoccupations with proofs and evidences for being a foundation to our faith are inappropriate to what we have informing us according to revelation. This is not to say that proofs and evidences have no place to Christians and non alike. It does but it's place is in how it is used. But that is another discussion entirely. That is sufficient for now. So again for those who are informed and have an interest in these discussions wich have an enormous impact in how we do and be the church I offer to you the pre-post to "Ecclesial Implications of a Consistently Christian Epistemology." The post title above is the direct link to Andrews post. Check it out. And if you do please leave me a comment on what you think or don't know what to think!

Peace......Love....and Epistemological blessings be unto all!!!


Also, did you see that fricken banana that we had in our home, Dang!? The pick is up there in the flicker slide.

the gospel gets even better

what are my idols? what are yours? (you dont have to post them)

i need the gospel every day. every morning. every midday, every night. im desperate for the too good to be true truth that Jesus died so that i could have life. true life. to be continually and progressively, for the rest of my days here.. set free in my heart..free from idols..free from sin. free to trust God. free to know I have an inheritance that far exceeds this world or any pleasure it might offer.

oh may God always be so gracious to us. i thank God for the gospel..and for reminding me of it.



I don't know if this has to do w/ my hormone changes w/ the pregnancy, but I'm craving stuff.

Earlier it was Taco Bell.

Now it is Massiel's chocolate brownies.

I'm also craving a spa vacation in the tropics.

And some peace of mind and emotions when trying to discipline 3 toddlers.

Oh man.


What are you thankful for?

Here are a few things from me:

Peaceful Opera music

Classical Renaissance music

ability to dream and imagine

purified water


a comforting word spoken in the right time

friends who understand and empathize

Christ who mediates, redeems, graces and peaces.

promise of a new life..where there is no more pain..no more tears...no more mourning..mourning is turned into joy.


nature's beauty

the arts


Major Fatigue

I've been slammed with major fatigue, like all day fatigue..and it's been really hard. So thanks to naps, and especially tonights nap, I am recharged. I actually was able to pick up the boys toys. So i had my last meal for the day now, am typing this post, and then i hope to tackle our piling dishes.

i had a dream though, while i napped.. it had just turned world war 3, and mig and i were in some buidings lower basement part..and the ground was shifting because of bombs and such.. the military was in the same building as us.. it was like war happening in western civilization. I think we were at a large old school. i dont think i had kids in this dream.. it was just mig and i..and we were kinda carefree about stuff. it was a good dream, even though the war was scary..but mig and i's love gave us the endurance to get through.

anyhoo.. naps are very needed and revive the soul my friends.

Aidan Dances to The Chieftans


Is Ice Cream ALWAYS sinful?

My friend's, I have discovered some bluebunny cookie dough ice cream in my freezer that ol' boy Migue bought.

My dear soul friends, this must have fell from the skies, because it is absolutely the best!! It has not only cookie dough chunks, but actual dough stuff like hangin out in there in sheets!

I mean, when you taste normal ice cream you're like, yeaaah this is goooood. but this stuff? you're more like, " oh my gosh! this is INCREDIBLE. This is totally from heaven."

Forgive me for those of you I have just tempted. But resist and flee! You don't need it! Only I did, this once. I dont' want to practive this often.

Ecclesial Implications of a Consistently Christian Epistemology

This blog entry by Andrew Sandlin is very good. Click on the above title to view it.
For those informed on issues mentioned you will find what he says to your pleasant satisfaction or as abhorrently "open" nonsense.

While I have been greatly encouraged within the past two and a half years with what has been happening in the church with discussions revolving around theology, ecclesiology and missiology I have been even more encourged and filled with excitment and holy combustion because of articulate's like this one.

Grace: The Favor of God bestowed upon Man. Can you hear it?

Shalom: The Extravagant and Transcendant Restorative, Recreative and Reformative Peace of God. Shalom makes all things new!

Grace & Shalom be unto you through the Lord of Life; Iesou Christu.



Power Bomb

This is Danae's brother Joshua powerbombing Danae's cousin Jeremy. Running commentary by Danae's brother Nathan.

pregnancy diet

it's been a while since i've been pregnant and i can't remember much since. i've lost a few brain cells i think. so any women out there know if it's true that we need to eat for 2? how can i know how much is enough? it seems like such a hassle to have to make sure you get in enough food.

what are some thoughts? thanks!


Unexpected Blessings

Fellow heirs of life.....we have a conception!

My Wonder-D is with child.

Or maybe with Children?

May our quiver have another arrow......or as many as the arrowmaker dispenses!


Wallace and Gromit would love me

I made my own pizza w/ ready made crust and i loaded it with pepperoni and mushrooms and three kinds of cheese.

Cheeese Gromit! Cheeeeeeese!


Bonie and Papa

We love the other boys just as much, it just so happens that Bonie always turns up.


My Sunflowers

are handsome.


A Dream

I dreamt I lost attention of the road

drove off a cliff

saw blackness and my concious prayed for the salvation

of my life on earth

the only thing that came to mind

was my husband and my children

praying fervently that He would not take me

then i saw myself on a stretcher being rolled

back into the bed i was sleeping in

and I awoke.. terrified..thankful..

needing comfort from my husband

who was asleep next to me and unable

to tend to my need

migue...why thou sleepest so heavily?


Chino's pic

I think that latest pic of Asher looks like Jerry O'Connell.


I know what Donald Trump can do with his money

He could winnabego our family to a private beachfront.

I know this is selfish, but crap, maybe Donald will read post? It might be meant to be!

im trying to transfer files from the ancient laptop to this one and it is sooo slloooow.. so im attempting to make a dent in this room of piling laundry. im tempted to just throw everything away. dont u ever just wanna throw it all away and be a nomad?

Chino's new hair cut

and Jonah's wild man hair

chino's in the middle

The fight to go to sleep

Midday I'm exhausted and want to sleep but can't. Once the boys are in bed, I have a second wind. I am sleep but why do I fight it? It's like I'm making sure I can get in everything life has to offer me now. But that doesn't even make sense. Anyway, I doubt we will ever figure ourselves out. Thanks to God for grace. It really makes hope real. Prayers for the peace of the world. I don't know what God's plans are..but I pray for His mercy and grace.

remember insomniac show on vh1? i forget the name. that was depressing.


Shampoo in the Eye

Yesterday it happened, I went to open the shampoo and flipped the lid, and it squireted right on my right eye ball. Hurt like a beast. So I flushed it out. I didn't know about opening yoru eye and letting the water pour on it, but i cupped my hands and continually flushed it. So yesterday eveneing my eye was blurry and I was afraid I'd lose some vision. This morning, I think it's okay though. Seeing fine. Just thought I'd post about that experience. So if you don't know already, it's okay to let running water pour on your eye if needed.

Yesterday we gathered at my Dad's for Nathan's 31st. Good food. Sprinkler kids. Friends and Family. Frisbee. Dog's. Kids throwing rocks. Hot weather, but good for us.

The boys rash is gone, so we were able to go over there.


Humble Missiology

"........I have the privilege of consulting with the Anglican Mission in America. Here is a group of evangelical Christians who have found that their American counterpart has largely abandoned the gospel in the name of cultural relevance. Where do these evangelical believers go? They go to the orthodox Anglican Bishops from Africa and Asia who sponsor and send them to reach people in America. Missiology that needs to be re-evangelized from the two-thirds world is not real missiology—let’s be humble and listen to our brothers and sisters who are reaching the world with an orthodox gospel while the North American church is dying."

Click above title to read this article on Missiology.


So here's something that will make you a better person when you read it..

I planted 17 or 18 sunflower seeds this spring. Migue wacked down all but 2. Those two are very precious. Oh, Migue did not take the life of my 4 Sunflowers in the front yard. But the 2 in the back. I look at all the time to see how big they are. Pretty big now. Maybe 6 ft? Their beautiful heads are about to sprout.... and what? I'm outside playing w/ my boys when I notice one of them looks shorter than last I saw. So I went up and sure enough, the squirrels have been chewing, and took down the head of my sunflower. I've been angry at those squirrels for some time. I actually saw them playing on my fence, which is where the flowers are located. I saw them playing before they took it down, and i thought they were so cute. 2 of them, playing together. little did I know what their plans were. So today, they got the second one. No more heads. I don't know much about sunflowers, but I have a feeling that they are done. Hopefully next year. Why do the Squirrels have to eat my sunflowers? That's a question for God. There are plenty of things for the Squirrels to eat. Comon, give a woman a break! Anyway, I will never know, and my I'm still supposed to do right, love the creatures, don't curse them. But oh how the flesh wants to prevail! It did in my head, I just didn't speak the things I thought!

On another token, I am almost done w/ my curtains I made. (pics above, they are reversible, and they can be let down for rull coverage. Just gotta hem them now. Thanks to my Mom for supplying me w/ all the material to make this happen. It has bee a GOOD change to my life. Getting crafty again and seeing your creation is pretty rejuvinating.


I changed our blog colors and it reminded me of

On my video creations

I've told a few of you that I've made and am planning on making some video's. Just wanted to inform you in case your jumping out of your pants due to excitement..that i've been very busy and haven't been able to work on this. i still need to transfer files from my ancient computer to this one..but i still plan on having this done!

Warrior toddlers Update

Our mighty men are teething, been running fevers, stuffy nose, loose stools, and cough. Aidan did his first, now he's better. So it's Jonah and Asher now. The fevers come and go and when they go, the boys are still playing and acting like themselves. Oh. Jonah has been puking though. Im thinking he's choking a lot on his phlegm. So Asher slept with me after papa went to work. He's so cute. He fights it. He prefers his crib, but is too sick to go there w/out crying. and we can't let him cry because he'll wake up the other souls. I so wish we had a 4 BR house for this reason. Anyway, something to think about for those of you who are considering marriage and kids. We have a 2 br and our 3 1 yr olds share the same room. sweew.

okay bye.


Click Me

some words of truth that encouraged me.


This dude reminds me of Mike Williams

and this is the real Mike Williams, who is our friend...the first dude is the actor who looks like him.


As you may already know we have a MacBook Pro now. We are at still trying to figure out this peice of technological art. It is amazing that JUST approximately Ten years ago the Internet, The World Wide Web was introduced to this culture; to this now Global Village I should say!

For some technical reason Blogger does not give us all of our former available tools within the toolbar. So now we cannot link what we want in the same fashion. At least until we figure this out the above title "Destination...Destiny...Choices" is now our link. Click on the title and it will send you to what it is that has our attention and deem worthy to refer it unto you.

The link is yesterdays (Friday) post by Riley. I link it because it has significant interest to us all. Most times the most fundamental and basic truths to life our the most missed. And that is funny, because they are the most profound.

Good day.


Read this post

and you have made penance. You're cool now. Be free and sin no more.


What is YOUR breakfast?

I had All Bran Buds? I think. Fiber is good, and this has a lot, plus low carbs. And I had blueberrys and vanilla soy milk to go along.

I woke up this morning with a nastalgic feeling. I'm thinking it had to do with a new scented oil refill I put into our wall plug in thing yesterday. it's been a long time since i've bought a refill. it felt good and nice. and it smells good now. so i woke up to smelling good stuff, and for some reason, i felt like i wanted to work on a tropical getaway island and work behind the counter at some smoothie/health food joint. with the breeze and the ocean at my back. *sigh*. but i knew i was only in my kitchen making coffee and breakfast for me and my handsome 3 men. well, they aren't men yet..but to me they are. they are so special and i love them so much. anyway, the that tropical island dream was nice. day dream. i mean, usually i wake up with tension because the boys are crying so hard to get out of their cribs because they either pee'd all over themselves, or they just wanna get out! but today it wasn't so bad, i turned on their classic lullabye baby einstein music, and they drank their milk in their cribs like the good old days. i climbed back into bed for a few more short minutes to accept the day! and i really think that matters how you wake up. if you wake up to crying and/or fighting day after day, and night after night of broken sleep, for almost 2 years, that can really try a person dude. trust me. i know my friends. anyway, im very thankful that i have a better mentality and emotions this morning. it is a relief from stress and anxiety and depression. but that's not to say it will last. wouldn't life be grand to always be happy though? well, with the corruption of the world, it would be hard. better yet, wouldn't it be grand to be thankful and have the joy of the Lord be our strength? I want to fellowship with the real God. I miss the real God. I often feel I have the wrong idea of God. Well, here is to God and His wonderful creation! His oceans and waves, His romance, His smoothies, His children..and His technology. :) see ya!



not adriana as i posted in my last post. i recommend it. i dont have much to say about it, but i wish i was more intellegent.


My wierd life

Just in case you're bored and my blog fascinates you, here's what happened today. I'm usually stressed out and depressed and want to run away to heaven for a break, so when i checked my email this morning, mig had written me an email saying he loved me and the boys. lots of love. love love. more than your average love email. so im like, wow, what got into him? he must have had a good dream? or maybe bad? i dunno, the email said to call him, so i called him. he said he didnt know why he wrote, just felt like it and after he wrote it he wondered if maybe it meant he was going to die, and those words were the last words from him. because he also had written in there that he even loved bubby, our cat. now when i saw that, i really thought it was special! little side note here: bubby pee's in the basement unless you let him outside, mig's allergic to him, he brings in flees and kills birds. and so those all have caused mig to battle with bitterness about bub. hey, i get mad at him as well, i call him moron and i always know im the real moron. anyway! so on the phone w/ mig, he asked if my mom would be able to possibly watch the boys while we got out. so i thought yeah, i'll call her. so as i was getting ready to call, i remembered mom had plans w/ ella and lori and spencer..some family members, and i called anyway to make sure tha was still goin on, because that means that mom isn't available to babysit. well, mom said she would babysit once they got back. but since mom had ella, our 3 year old granddaughter/neice. she had to wait to hear from ella's mom, heather to see when ella had to be back. so we never really got ahold of her..mom said it's cool for mig and i just wing it and go for a bite to eat. SOOOO, we went...and mig wanted to go to this place for a drink and pizza, it's in my old youth stomping grounds, and once we parked, i couldn't go in. i felt depressed and stricken w/ anxiety. i was so stressed already and anyway, i wont get indepth about my inner wierdness, but we left the place only to come home. dissapointed, stressed, depressed. but then mig ordered pizza and we ate. asher woke back up, then finally went back to sleep. bro josh came over to smoke a doobie w/ mig. cigar only. and linda my aunt came over for prayer. it was so good to pray with linda. im so thankful for her trooperness. and so i experienced God's peace and grace through our prayer together.. isn't it just amazing? well, the very second, not exxagerating!!!!, very second linda left and i closed the door, all 3 boys started crying from their cribs. man. it's so classic. anyway, they went back down quickly and mig and i started watching adriana? that's not it, but it's the new release about oil. mig passed out as always and im writing this because it will make the world a better place. i am going to try to sleep now and ihope i rmembere to call my friend kathy tomorrow! Danae! Call kathy!! Forgetful, sidetracked, danae. so i pray for sweet, ethereal, lovely, romantic, restful, happy dreams. emotive pureness. have a great day/night/hour/minute/second.


my contacts update

i went in today to see why they are blurry. i asked tons of questions and was very scruplulous? scrutiny? i dunno. maybe a bit paranoid? anyway, he said it is the right perscription and i see 20 20 with them in. he changed my right lens to toric and tried changing my left one to toric but it wouldn't stay fit on my eye right..so i have to wear the normal one on my left, and the toric on my right. i see better w/ my right than my left. but i still dont see as good as i do w/ my glasses even in my right! get it? and he said that's normal to not see as well when you have an astigmatism! LAURA, what do you think? I'm wearing Cooper lenses. So, I'm gonna give them some time and go from there. Oh yeah, the boys and i went outback this morning. nice. fresh air. early. no cars and stuff. there for a few minutes, then bubby kills a bird and runs up to us and eats it right where we were. so we had to go in. now i have to clean up bird stuff. on the good side, i'm thankful bubby still has game. i doubted his ability because of his poor hips!




I made peanut butter cookies tonight and i can't really taste the peanut butter. what is ever so wrong with them? and my oven smells like opium. Maybe there are some hippie's campin out in my oven. The boys are asleep! Crap! I just heard one of them make a noise. Oh, the woes of three toddlers sharing a room. speaking of hippies, mig and i went to broad ripple the other day, it's like a popular strip for the artsy type folk here in indy. and this dude with mutten chops, (he looked very familiar by the way) checked mig and i out, looked us up and down, and then proceeded to walk towards us and hand us each his flyer. It was for free incense at the bus down under shop or whatever it's called. so we went there and the other dude working at the counter smiled and was so friendly and warm. i said, hi, im here for free incense? he's like, ooh really? he didn't even know about it. he said he had seen their flyer but didnt read it. and he said, well, i guess just take 10 sticks is what im guessin'. so i took 10 sticks! it was nice because i was wanting some incense and this was free so it worked out well. that place brings back memories of my teen years. i used to hang out there with my friends, there was a rainbow painted bridge we'd sit on and hang out, until the cops made us leave. we'd go back though. it's interesting wheni think of my past. so amazing. it's so weird. almost like it was a dream. i like that place though. it's better to experience it now that my heart is made new. i can appreciate things in light of truth and the person of truth. I can enjoy it w/out fear. I wish I could lay in a green grass with tall trees and i could absorb the creation and just feel intense peace run through my soul, and melt and be One with God. That would be better if spiders or insects would stay away. Migue took a nap today, and he woke up for a small bit of time, then fell asleep on the couch! What's wrong with Migue? We don't know why he's so tired all the time. Anyone want these cookies? Migue will probably pound them. Oh, don't pound them all Migue. Leave some for the birds or Josh. Or whoever might want some. But I like my hair completely the way it is!!! -Lola


Historic Irvington Garden Tour

My mom and I went to it today and it was really nice! Oh man, it lifted my spirits. It was so nice walking under the umbrella in the rain w/ my mom. We visited 10 properties and then they gave us a free plant! Also, we inrolled in some Raffle thing and we have to wiat on the results. I told my mom I didn't want to do it because whenever I do raffle stuff, I win, and I have to get in fron tof people to claim my prize, and i hate that. So she told me that we just give it to someone at one of the properties and they will call us if we win. So I said, "ooooh, okay". So we'll see if I win. I probably won't since I told everyone that I always win. Oh well. And the wierd thing, is that I always knew i was going to win. I think there were a small number of itmes i didnt win. Just interesting. Intuition, phsycic, don't know. I also had dreams that came true! So maybe I'll start up a phsycic business. Kidding. I'm not very wise. So anyway, im blown away at how i came home with a new refeshed spirit glow, enabled to love and serve my children bettter. I could have served Migue spaghetti w/ meatsauce, but he was asleep. So after dinner I went on a walk with my bro Josh and his wife Charity and their kids, Julia and Emma. Julia is 2, Emma is like under 4 months. So cute. and of course, my little beansacks. Mig passed out as soon as i got home. Thanks to Migue for watching the boys while I got out. I felt like I was in London kind of. Which was really nice! Did I say we got a free plant? It makes me wish we could afford to make our house look nice, nice gardens and such. If you read my mom's blog, she shares her thoughts on today..and one of them I will share too! When we trid to find house one to look at, we saw the sign w/ the number 1, it was pointing down the street to the actual house, but we thought it was the house that the sign was in. So we pulled up, and im thinking, "this is it?" it was decent up front, but looked a little plain to be some exhibition, u know. So, we went around all the cars into the back. and it was pretty messy back there and way back they had a veggie garden. and my mom and i are like, is this it? im like, i dunno, maybe it is? moms like, im not interested.. so im lik eokay . and im like geek style laughing..thinking how awesome we were for being there. i love that stuff. i love it when that happens. it's so hilarious. i was third eye viewing it and wondering if the owners saw it and loved it. anyway, that's great.

so that's my story! Thankyou Mom for taking me out! I appreciate it so much. And I think I found the fabric I want to make my curtains. Weee. I'd like to make some dresses too. It's hard to find modest stuff now a days, and the modest dresses they have out there are so expensive. plus, it's kinda fun and crafty to make your own stuff. My mom helped me make my first dress. It was fun, stil have it. wore it not too long ago. It has asian women on it..like their heads and necks. anyway! this blog was made for you and meeee.


This place has really great exotic silk fabric




i got them yesterday, are they supposed to be blurry? i'd like to hear everyone's take. thanks!

this dress is nice, btw.


Isn't this so nice?


and can someone tell me what the tag is to create links? thanks!


Charlie and Lola

Has anyone else seen this show? I love it! The music is so awesome and just everything!!! Go check it out!


New Video

Tonight's Fellowship

I had some fellowship tonight here at our place after a long very stressful depressing day. I haven't prayed with anyone other than my husband for a long time. That makes a difference, especially when Mig and I don't pray together regularly. There is just something about when two or more are gathered together because of Christ's Spirit put on our hearts. We talked about lots of things in regards to our spiritual questions. What does it look like to pursue God? Can it look different for each of us? What place does Scripture have? Is it more significant and should be treated w/ more priority over other things? How do we measure whether we are truely seeking and searching God with "ALL" our heart, soul, mind, strength? What if we wrestle with unbelief? Uncertainty? And if we truely want God, but have unbelief, is it okay to be lax about getting everything down right? doing all the right stuff. I realize I might not be explaining things the best, so pardon my casual-ness here. It seems a lot of my once fundamental beliefs have been challenged and perhaps deconstructed, so I'm trying to retain the core of our faith here. And I suppose that is what most of us want. But it is different for every camp. So many things are available to contemplate and attempt to figure out. When so many things arrise and so little time or energy or interest to search diligently, I honestly want to give up in some sense. It wearies my soul even further and I just want true rest. The rest that only God gives, the kind Jesus spoke of. So, I fear myself. I fear my tendencies to want to rebell. Although, I'm not even sure my rebellious-ness is even rebellious. I think I need sleep. I really love the blogs. I really miss fellowship with Migue. He wasn't able to partake tonight. Hopefully, something will happen soon. I appreciate and am thankful for this blog because it is a medium for fellowship when my circumstances make it difficult. I think it's nice to not think of blogging as sin, although it can be an idol. I sure hope I'm not an addict. but what if I am? And would it be the blog that I'm addicted to? or the church? Am I a church addict? That would be good, and permissable? Because we are Christ's body. What do you think, o reader you?




Just some stuff

Jonah says No now. He said it today when he was smacking my arm and I was saying no, so he'd smack it in a lighter fashion and he said, " no." It's cute so far.

I'm going to try to work on some video's, especially for you Mesa's out there! Mesa's and Rodriguez. But this should be exciting since we now have our computer back and can do stuff w/ imovie.

I'm rearranging my furniture again. Yes, I know I'm classic. But I dont know how to do it this time, perhaps Migue will intervene and tell me what to do! Wanna see my new wall color? Here's a pic!


This post is perfect

I don't offend anyone. What I say if relevent. What I say makes sense. I am only going to post something that is "worthwhile". I am a wise crack. I am bored. I have so many thoughts, I wish to write it out..but now one of the boys woke up and disturbed my train of thought..so bye! enjoy my masterpiece. okay. i think he's going back to sleep. oh, please Lord, let them stay asleep for all the night long.

u know, our boys wake up every night still. sometimes i get bitter and angry and curse! i hate that i do that! i wish i had the perfect mother goose love that considers it joy at all times, never complains..always nourishes.

i watched a local church congregation tonight. mig was at a party, so i watched some british show, then this church service. it was really interesting. it was a different sub-culture than what im used to, but i was able to discern the spirit working in them. i think im the past, i would have been skeptical that they were really being spirit-filled because of all the teachings on false prophets, tongues, etc. and i don't know what the answers are, but these folks were praising God and being encouraged that He is working in them. I think so atleast. I might be wrong, and then i'd be confused. so I'm going to try to believe this. Oh, the weirdness of uncertainty.

I am an indecisive person, easily carried with the wind. That's good and bad. Who are you? Isn't it awesome when we learn about ourselves, eachother, and God?

I'm thankful for medicine, for God's love and grace. My heart has so much to say but I don't know how to get it out. But..I just want to say, that I love everone and peace to you all. I'm a hippie, aren't I?


Good & Difficult

Just got back from my father-in-law Damon's place. We had a cook-out. Damon is a grillman. Rather, Damon is The GrillMan. Brats, Burgers (and not just burgers but a whole half'a hefer kinda burgers!), chicken thighs and breasts, hearty salad with eggs, nuts and other mean earthy stuff. Beans. A 5 bean slop that was good. Hearty mountainman type of potato salad. The usual white enriched buns......soft-drinks (why are they called soft-drinks? It rip's down the throat like corrosive carbon balls!). And to top it all off Damon's famous fruit salad bowl. A giant tupperware container filled with colorful, juicy, tart, sweet, seedy, acidic enzymy objects that grow from the ground.
All I could eat was half'a chicken breast and a quarter of a cow on a bun. O' yes I also had some of the mountainman potato mess and sloppy 5 bean grog. Now my digestive system is working overtime. All this was done after spending half the day trimmen and rippen out brush, shrubs and all manner of thorns and thistles from mine and my neighbors plot of earth. That is some of my favorite work. It is always rewarding to be outdoors under a blistering ball of fire covered in shards of ripped grass and weeds while smelling the scent of dying Canadian Thistles and a host of sibling weed pestilence's. No for real, the reward comes after you see your ground clearing symmetric molding shape take over and make an order out of wild kingdom chaos. And it's also an adventure using those battery operated weed & grass killer guns to soak all that you find distasteful to the opus you desire of your yard.

Back at Damons.....

Jonah was picking at Nike the Rottweiler's and Butch the something's dog food. Just the dry stuff. I ate some of the dry stuff before while camping back in the day. I think an old buddy encouraged me too by my beholding his manly takeover of canine nutrition, (is that you Kevin Miller?)
Anyway. My Pa Damon's backyard is nice. Spacious and fenced in. Lots of room for several big guys to toss the old ball of hide around. Later Asher stuck his inquistive fist into a bowl of dog-grog-slop. That's the dry dog food mixed with moist stuff and with some other nasty moist stuff. It was like a chunky pottage of dark muddy-milk crunch. Can you see it? Oh wait add the pastel hues of red, yellow and green and than you'll see it.
Well after he stuck his experimental appendages into it I had to take him in and wash his hands with Dawn or somekind of liquid detergent because the hose water couldn't get the groggy oily residue off of him.
So I get back outside to join my wife in endless red-alert mode while trying to be social with my brother's, sister's and their children. Danae is doing her thing trying to eat and talk while I try to digest this hunk of bird and cow in my intestines. Joshua and cousin Jeremy are tossin the pig-ball around with Big Nathan the Boulder. I got up and joined them.....all the while on endless red-alert mode. Eyeing the boys as they Magellan-Vespuci-Columbus the backyard. All is good so far while red-alert mode.

Than in a moment of lazy eye....while most of the Big-Man activity of tossin the ball and catchen it with one arm for several revolutions waiting for whoever drops it so they may get tackled and WWF'd with a Leg-drop, the unthinkable happens.....

Asher......Asher the pistol......Asher the Basher-Mesa made his last bold and daring albeit naive attempt to discover what the substance in that dog bowl was.....
............Asher picked up that nasty bowl of pastel yellow-red-green moist chunky pottage of dark-muddy milky crunch and held it right over his chest and dumped it all over himself in glorious toddlerhood.
.....I caught the last milliseconds before the filthy deluge landed upon him and shouted in mountainman horror, "Asher, NOOOOO!"......Aunt Charity hosed him while mom held him.

We came home about an hour later.

The time was good.....

But it is always difficult.

Blessed be the Lord.


Duct Tape

It is holding together my glasses that Jonah broke. ;) Thank God for insurance which covers contacts.

I won't be missing getting my glasses ripped off my face and constantly having to fogg them w/ my breath and wipe them with whatever cloth i have. it happens too many times to go rinse w/ water and wipe w/ a glasses cloth. so this will be an awesome thing to experience. i have to say, i put my glasses underneath me because jonah i think ripped them off. someone did, cant remember.. so i just sat on them and then i forgot i did, and got up to go braid my hair in the bathroom. and i was hearing jonah outside the bathroom throwing a fit because he wanted me to come out. so i finished, came out.. and saw what had happened. but this is a very embraceable thing because i had just made an appointment this morning with the eye doctor for contacts. Could I say this is interesting?

anyway, i wonder if my fedex driver is in cali yet.

good day to everyone.