6.28.2004

This is a test entry.

Hello my name is Miguel and I do not have a mustache. But I do have a beard.
My name is Miguel and my sons are sleeping. My three sons are sleeping in my wifes belly. They are sleeping in there right now.

6.27.2004

"And I feel this coming over like a storm again now."
-Maynard James Keenan


Today I feel a very great sense of despair, frustration, and anxiety. I am very confused and lost. So much in the church that leaves me feeling displaced. It's times like this when Jesus Christ is the only thing tangible to my soul. No comfort from relationships or activities. Life right now seems to be very dark and uncertain. And all this because I don't know what to do about "church". Where to go, which one is biblical? Divisions over church government, confessions, woman in leadership over men, all the "discussions" about mysticism with respected leaders all over the camps.
I have been longing for community for a long time. I real involving, incorporating feeling kind of life within the church. My wife Danae and I want this. I know others who have the same yearnings. But this is not the only thing. So much of what is "church" are things done within the church that I and Danae and others just cannot identify with. It is all just religion. There is no raw power or God-breathed soul to it. I have had the yearning for a local community of believers for a long time. It is not very local. There are good friends with the same longings that are further away, and possibly will be even further away in the future; geographically. My hopes for establishing or rather being established in something different that I cannot articulate and describe is diminishing. I don't know where to go, what to do.
This is not true. God is over all. He is with me even now. His breath I breath. His colors I see, and His music I hear. I am not far from Him. His Spirit is within me. Christ the Truth is with me even now in my confusion; this seasons pilgrimage.
There is so much fear and uncertainty within me. The fear of walking and leading my family down the wrong path due to whether my understanding of theology is correct or not is breaking me. I know Christianity; life in Christ is not a list of theological propositions and my life is not in this per se, but much of making sense of how to live life is governed by what the bible teaches about life and God; Theology.
There are loved ones on various sides of camps. The ones that understand me most are very few. Some do not understand because they have not been exposed to the differences and others I think may not understand because I haven't fully made it known to them the struggle because of my fear of their being to "institutionalized" in thought. I know that what I am writing here can be and probably will be misunderstood. There is no ill will in any of me to others or where they stand. I just do not know what to think for myself. I don't know if I even understand what is or whom could be institutionalized? Maybe it's me.

6.24.2004

Check out this great article on Dallas Willards site. It speaks about the necessary and and vital role the body plays in our sanctification. Very encouraging truth for the thirsty soul. Growth in Christ is not an uplanned and passive action on our behalf. It involves our co-operation and deliberate actions.

6.20.2004

fruit

This past week has been one of the most demanding and challenging ones in a longtime. It seems that out of everything that could go wrong almost all went wrong. But in the end the fruits of hope, strength, assurance and greater unity was brought forth for John, Joshua and I. For that I am thankful to God. It is Sunday morning. I need to decompress from everything and be still before God by myself and with my wife.

6.15.2004

A brand new trailer was purchased today by RDC Lawncare. Tomorrow we buy two brand new mowers. Both very good and very efficient. RDC is back into the chlorophyll field.

6.13.2004

CONFUFRUSVENTING

Is the church, the body of Christ supposed to keep the Sabbath day today? How are we to keep it? Many think so. Are we supposed to baptize our infants? Many think so. Is it sin to not baptize our infants and not keep the Sabbath? What hermeneutic are we supposed to read the Bible with? Do the Theonomists have it right? What about the Regulative Principalist's, do they have it right? Those who can be classed as within the so-called Emerging Church Movement, do they have it right? And if they have only something right what is it?
Dispensationalist's, Covenant's and Whateverelseist's, what and where do you derive you authority for your hermeneutic dogma's?
Where are all the learned people? Why don't they get into a room and lock themselves up in it and pray and discuss these dogmatism's that divide and seek the TRUTH, who is Lord Christ and confess are inabilities to comprehend almost all things in the scriptures that we think we have figured out that may be wrong if that's the case and send it down the line for the rest of the church.
I feel like quitting sometimes. I feel like no more reading of the issues that divide the church.
I cannot quit. I must keep reading and seeking. Maybe I will be the one to first lock himself in a room with the other and do this. I know this though. I cannot remain passive. I cannot quit. I want Christ and his truth. I need to know what to be dogmatic about. We all do. I am not proposing to seek all the "truths" within all these lists and that's all there is to truth. Christ is the TRUTH. Jesus Christ is the TRUTH. God's TRUTH is Christ, the anointed one, the Messiah. He is Lord of reality. Love Him. Seek Him. Live in Him. This is what I must do. And in doing this, than I seek the harmony. Than as I seek Christ and live in Him I seek the harmony that He brings. I seek it all by obeying what He says.
O'Lord so many say you are saying this or that. What are you saying? Who is right in what they say you say? Is there a simplistic answer? What does it look like to obey you? Does it look like how the Theonomist or the Presbyterian or the Baptist say? The thought of you saying it is relative fears me....

My Song
My body is stiff. I am still very tired. I feel that I work so often that I do not really remember how to sit still. It is difficult at times to read and set the things in my mind in an understanding fashion. Like this morning I awoke seeing the clock read 8 AM. I knew that if D and I were going to be going to church at least I would have to get up then. But I didn't. I was still very tired. Like a stiff brick that cannot be taken out of it's appointed wall. I was shaped and formed to my bed with a stiff brick body. But more than the "stiff brick body" keeping me down was fear. I had and still have somekind of fear within me. This fear has to do with my life in Christ. Or rather my lack of life. I think that says it best.
Going to the church's gathering was and is not of any interest to me right now. The thought of going to some gathering with people, sitting down and watching people sing, and singing songs that I feel alienated from at times and then to listen to a sermon was the furthest thing from my heart and mind. I want to sing a song to my God but not one of those. There is in my heart a song that is playing. The words are deeply hidden within me. The emotion of this song is wearing tears, confusion, frustration. It's a song about all the stuff that I am seeking to know whether it is true or false. A song about what is necessary and what is not. A song about what is real and what is fake.
This song is a picture of the present story that I am living in of course. A by product commentary on my souls acting and reacting within the events of my life in this season. I am a real person in real circumstances with real feelings of confusion, hope, and hungering for a deeper or closer walk with my God. I don't know if I am drifting away from everything or getting closer to that which makes up everything; hence what is necessary and what is not. What do I mean by what is necessary and what is not?
The "what is not?" is what is there in my understanding about what it means to be spiritual that is not true spirituality. What am I wearing or what is on me that I think spirituality is all about that really is and has almost a harmful or hindering effect on me and others that is pointing them and myself away from walking with God as Jesus himself beckons us to walk with? Of course there are and can be a multitude of things that can draw people away from the Lord Jesus who is Christ. I am not speaking about sin in my life. Not some sinful tendency per se or attitude but a misunderstanding of what it means to be a Christian and to follow Christ.

6.12.2004

The unplanned place of obedience. Pt. 2

One month after our first incident is when we had our trailer and mowers stolen from us. The total value of the loss is around $12,000 dollars. Our insurance company is going to reimburse any expense of renting equipment for the time being untill we can replace what we lost minus the trailer because the is not covered under policy, but we were told that it is certain that we will be dropped from Erie Insurance. This is our second claim in two months. We are a liability. It's ridiculous to me though. I understand the Mercedes incident being a "liability" issue but theft! How can anyone avoid that? It happpens. Like if a tornadoe just comes around and picks up a trailer and takes hundreds of yards away and leaves it as rubbish. Insurance is for these kinds of things. I believe that insurance is should protect so that if incidents that are not negligable to the part of the insurance carrier would happen they wouldn't be liable for a bad report because of the claim. Now an accident I can see as reasonable to be considered a "liability" if it happens more than once or often. Same goes for speeding tickets.
The problem now with RDC is not only do we have to get new equipment rented for the time being with money we dont have to be up and running Monday morning but we may not be in operation at all much longer because we may not be able to get another insurance company to take us. We need insurance to operate. If anyone knows someone who could help us out with insurance let me know. Friday we worked from 7:30 AM and got home at midnite. The day ended with John buying Joshua and dinner. I had a Killians with a western burger and buffaloe chips. And we all shared a basket of chessy chili nachoes. Johnny had the great "Guiness" and Joshy had a Coke. It was a great way to end the day.
God knows what is tomorrow. He knows what is today. The King of reality has all circumstances tailored of glory. His glory. I do pray Father that we would have grace to embrace what comes to us with the knowledge of your goodness. May I give you thanks in all things. Not in my lips so much as in my heart. Magnify your beauty unto your people that we may behold you more precious than this life and all that is therein. May this life and all that is therein magnify your beauty so that we may know more that it is you who makes and defines and is beauty. Even in the midst of sin. Maranatha.

No towing company took our trailer and lawnmowers. Some non-God fearing individual or individual's stole it. This incident has wounded RDC Lawncare almost fatally. This is RDC's second insurance claim in two month's. That's not good. Last month we began a new $150 per cut account that takes two guys a couple of hours to do. It is two office buildings on Arlington Ave. between 16th and 10th St. There both occupied by various medical practices. On our first day of cutting it John and I set strategy and went to work. As I was blowing off grass clippings from the parking lot and cars I noticed and black convertible mercedes benz parked in a corner of the parking lot practically using up several parking spaces. The car was parked diagonal so it would prevent others to park immediately next to him. This individual obviously was very protective of his car. So I blew of some grass clippings. Now when we cut in any place we attempt to not get any grass clippings and most importantly and kind of debris like rocks, pebbles, stones and wood or anything else on cars. Especially in a place like this where there is many vehicles parked. John did all the mowing that day and I know that he face the grass expeller or "deck" away from the cars. But just because you face the deck away from the cars or anything does not mean that grass cannot get on that which is opposite of it's expelling direction. The wind easily carries grass clippings anywhere. So it's predictable and inevitable to see cars with some grass on them after cutting in a place like this. I did the trimming that day. And with trimming there is always going to be stuff flying here and there. These high powered commercial trimmers are good at what they do. So good they know just how to send stones and what everelse it can send right into your face. That's why we wear safety glasses. I cannot recall getting anything "sent" to my eyes, but I sure know what it feels like to get little stones that feel like Mike Tyson's fist to your lip when it impacts. A day later after the job was done we got a call from our sub-contractor who told us that a doctor with a black convertible mercedes benz had his car hit with debris that eyewitness's say sounded like "firecrackers" when it got hit. Well I dont want to get any more detailed with this story than to say that almost everyone thinks this was a shady event. Some nicks on this car could've been done by my trimmer. There werent many nicks by the way. Like a handful or so. And they were small. Very small. The Mercedes Benz ornament had it's gold plated seal chipped off. The chip on this emblem/ornament is in such a perculiar place that it is almost impossible for somekind of debris from my trimming to have done it. Our insurance payed for the paint job. We have no choice but to pay the deductable and make this doctor and his car happy. RDC and Jennco (who is our sub-contractor) think it's shady. I was trimming next to this car and I heard no "firecrackers" blasting it. I was next to it. "Firecrackers" would of done more damadge than what was reported to have been the case. But that was our first claim. Miguel's trimming wounded a car. To be continued.

6.11.2004

Our trailer with our lawn mowing eqipment is gone. It was parked yesterday evening next to a fire hydrant. It was parked at least 15 ft. away from it though. Is not this the law? It was either towed off by the city, or John and Joshua had moved it themselves or worse, STOLEN!!

6.09.2004

There is a provocation to a silent stillness within me. It feels like a storm that is moving very slowly with dark blue winds that have a deep droning whistle of a sound. I asked my friend Riley yesterday how he was doing and he responded by saying, "scattered." In some way I feel the same. I feel like there is nothing tangible within my soul that speaks or inclines with freshness a communing with God. My soul feels very distant and overwhelmed at all the "stuff" that one might have to learn that is within the intellectual and academic areana of the church and the secular culture at large with their, "presuppositions."
I believe that God is in the center of this storm. I believe that it is He who has perfect knowledge of all things that is presently stirring the center of my person in a supernatural way by His Spirit. I believe He is here with me, though I "feel" very out of reach from Him.

6.08.2004

Danae and I found out this morning that she is bearing three little boys in her womb. We thought they were boys. We just sensed it, felt it. I couldn't help it always touching Danae's belly and saying, "Hey lil' guys!" We are excited. Thank you all for your encouraging words of love, humor and prayers.

6.02.2004

It is 6:30 am and I am drinking my Maxwell House Columbian coffee with some 2% milk. Going to go cut grass soon. Looks like its going to be a high of 70 degrees with 50% chance of precip. All GOOD!! Its nice if and when it rains when we are out cutting; but only if it really comes down. For when that happens its time to go to a coffee shop or Half Price Books and just hang out and read. That is enjoyable. I am supposed to be picking up a new (new to us) '97 Chevy Astro tomorrow!! It is very cool. 8 passenger van with dutch doors and for pretty cheap. My father fronted the cash and we get to pay him monthly. INTEREST FREE!!!!!
Still reading about Theonomy and different view of Eschatology. It's work. I am sure there is a great benefit in it. It is good to dig and work for truth, as Solomon admonished his son in the Proverbs of the Hebrew Holy Scriptures. Going to head off now. Just wanted to touch base!
Danae and I are planning to visit my familia in Grand Rapids this weekend, its been since October of last year since D has seen them up there and its been since Thanksgiving weekend since I have been back home to see my old friends and roaming grounds!!